Is it normal to not want to talk to my mother?

I have been abused physically, mentally, emotionally, and sexually by my own mother. She despised me because I was female. She wouldn't feed me anything that wasn't drugged; I had my own paddle; she called me god-forbidden names. Growing up, we didn't have much food. Granted, we never really saw our mother unless she was home drunk with another man or just beating us. She'd always lower my self-steem by calling me names and telling me she hated me. She put a gun up to my head countless times. She forced me on guys, touching them where I had no business being. There's more, but I think you get the jist. When I turned 4, she threw me to the curb and kicked me out. I moved in with my dad, but I would spend the weekends at her place. I eventually had to quit because nothing would stop.

Now, I'm 18, and she wants back in my life. She seems to have surpressed the past where she doesn't remember it. She gets upset because I won't go swimming with her or spend the night at her place. I don't really ever talk to her. She called me drunk one time saying she loved me. I just lost it and cried. I've spent 18 years waiting to hear that, but her actions haven't changed. I don't know. Is it okay for me not to want to talk to her, or should I give her the benefit of the doubt that she has changed?

Voting Results
94% Normal
Based on 32 votes (30 yes)
Help us keep this site organized and clean. Thanks!
[ Report Post ]
Comments ( 23 )
  • cipro

    Stay the hell away from such an abusive person.

    Comment Hidden ( show )
  • dimwitted

    Please stay away from psycho bitch. She knew what she was doing while she was abusing you in such horrible ways. I would just pretend she's dead.

    Comment Hidden ( show )
      -
    • RisingSun

      I want to, but I know I'll regret it in the long run. She's really deoressed now because none of her kids will talk to her.

      Comment Hidden ( show )
        -
      • Boojum

        Why are you sure you'll regret it?

        It sounds like part of you desperately wants to believe that she's a fundamentally good person who just made some bad decisions. Maybe that's so, and maybe she's got her shit together over the last decade or whatever, but if she's calling you drunk, it doesn't sound like it. I think it's more likely she's still messed up, and her tears are manipulative.

        I find the fact that she claims to not recall how she treated you very suspicious. Either she's knowingly lying, or there's some serious denial going on. She might get away with saying that she was bombed out of her mind on drink or drugs at the time if it was just one or two incidents, but nobody with a normally functioning brain would totally forget the long list of things you describe, and you say that was only part of the story.

        It sounds like you feel guilty about not wanting to have anything to do with her. You shouldn't. You didn't deserve to be treated as she treated you, and she crossed way over the line of decency several times in just the examples you gave. Some people are toxic and unworthy of our time or respect, and unfortunately that sometimes includes one's parents.

        You need to somehow come to terms with the fact that you had an abusive mother, but that doesn't require you to spend time with her or to listen to her distorted version of your history. I suspect it's more likely that being with her will trigger all sorts of negative memories and just make getting over her even more difficult.

        Comment Hidden ( show )
      • dimwitted

        That's on her. You have your own shit to deal with. She doesn't just get to say "I'm sorry" and all is forgiven. If you want closure for yourself just have a serious conversation with her to tell her to F off. Bottom line is you reap what you sow.

        Comment Hidden ( show )
  • RoseIsabella

    You can forgive her, but only for your own personal serenity, and piece of mind. Don't reconcile with her, and don't let her crazy, and abusive ass back in your life! If she is an active alcoholic especially don't let her back into your life. It is possible that she may be in denial, and may have blocked out the horrible things she did to you, but that's no excuse.

    If I were you I wouldn't even give her the time of day unless she's been sober, and is regularly attending meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous, and has worked through the twelve steps with a sponsor.

    I also highly recommend that you check out the twelve step program of ACOA, Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families. I will leave you a link to the website, and the Laundry List which are the traits of an adult child. I wish you all the best, and don't let her guilt trip you into anything.

    https://adultchildren.org/
    https://adultchildren.org/literature/laundry-list/

    Oh, and definitely don't spend the night at her house. Put yourself first, and stay strong. 😉💪🏻

    Comment Hidden ( show )
      -
    • RisingSun

      Thank you so much!

      Comment Hidden ( show )
        -
      • RoseIsabella

        You're very welcome! ☺️💓

        Comment Hidden ( show )
  • GucciPamts

    No, people don't change. You should not forget what she made you feel.
    Also, yes, it's quite normal to feel this way with all the things you mentioned above.
    Also if you have anything that can prove what happened you can just go to the police, it's for the better

    Comment Hidden ( show )
      -
    • RisingSun

      I've talked to the police and lawyers when I was younger. The situation was handled, I guess. All they did was put me in my father's care.

      Comment Hidden ( show )
        -
      • GucciPamts

        And didn't she go to jail or have at least some charges? And well, if you went to the police and they sent you to your father's care it was for the better and returning to your mom is not a good idea.

        Comment Hidden ( show )
          -
        • RisingSun

          She did not. She was requested to attend AA meetings, but failed to do so.

          Comment Hidden ( show )
  • RisingSun

    No. I'm telling the truth.

    Comment Hidden ( show )
  • NoLifer

    You don't even have to go past first line. Yes its normal

    Comment Hidden ( show )
  • CDmale4fem

    I love my mom for bringing me into the world, but yet I cannot stand the person she has become. I haven't spoke to my mom in about 15 years. And I don't care to either.

    Comment Hidden ( show )
  • Doesnormalmatter

    I would keep her at arms length and tell her why. Make her feel bad about what she did in the past and she may try to gradually work her way back into your life. And you can let her as much as you'd like. Do what you feels right, but don't feel like you owe it to her. If anything, she owes you something.

    Comment Hidden ( show )
  • Nikclaire

    I grew up with a drunk abusive father and brother. No mom. All manner of abuse just like you described. I'm sorry you went through hell and back.

    At 18 I walked out of the family "home" and never looked back. I haven't seen or talked to either of them since and it was the best decision I've ever made in my life.

    I haven't had one single regret from doing so.

    You need to take care of yourself and do what you think is best to keep you safe. Don't do anything out of some sense of obligation, the only obligation you have is to yourself to heal. Especially since your mom isn't sober and hasn't done anything to change.

    Best of luck.

    Comment Hidden ( show )
  • Ilovefood

    My mother is childish and I can’t handle her. She gives my little brother everything and she put me in care I understand where your coming from do you what feels right.
    But In my opinion stay away from her, just to prevent from getting hurt x

    Comment Hidden ( show )
  • bigbudchonga

    What. The. Fuck. Hopefully you're a troll. If you're not then those are perfectly reasonable grounds to avoid her.

    Comment Hidden ( show )
      -
    • RisingSun

      I'm not a troll. Do people really sit there and lie about abuse?

      Comment Hidden ( show )
        -
      • bigbudchonga

        Ye, either that or this site must have the highest rates of abuse of any group. Do you think you'll ever chill with her again? It does sound pretty extreme, dude. I don't think anyone would blame you if you didn't

        Comment Hidden ( show )
          -
        • RisingSun

          I'm not sure. She called me the other day asking for a relationship.

          Comment Hidden ( show )
            -
          • bigbudchonga

            You could just go to the pub with her, or something like that for a small-time, by-weekly.

            Comment Hidden ( show )