Is it normal to truly, utterly despise yourself for being trans?
God this is long. I hope I don't sound like a maniac.
I'm trans, in my mid-20s, and have known for probably 15 years but I never did anything about it. I was always shy and only dressed up/experimented with make-up in private, with my sister helping me. When I was like 6 I think, I had my first crush--my best guy friend. We were at a pool and I just fantasized about him hugging and kissing me. I always had this nagging suspicion in the back of my head that I was meant to be born with a different body, I couldn't stand to look at myself in the mirror or even down at myself because everything looks wrong. I only ever made friends with girls and a select few tolerable guys, though more often than not I would develop crushes on the guys and never tell them, from fear of being called gay. My body started to violently upset me when puberty set in. I thought I was just gay, later bi, until I realized other people's body wasn't the problem but my own. I never felt genuinely attracted to women the same way I was to men--more like extreme envy how much more beautiful and elegent a woman could be than me. I now doubt any man or woman could ever genuinely love someone like me though.
I grew up in an oppressive Christian house-hold. My mom caught me wearing my sister's dress once that she lent me and flipped her shit. I had it hammered into me to be normal all my life. I decided to just suck my shitty feelings down as far as possible, figuring they would go away if I ignored them, not wanting to bother anyone else with my obviously made-up problem.
Psychiatrist diagnosed me with gender dysphoria like 3 years ago, stopped attending my gender clinic appointments before HRT started, because I had just gotten away from my emotionally abusive ex-girlfriend and I lost what little confidence in myself that relationship gave me. I just don't know if it's even normal to feel this way about my gender. It's like a lose-lose situation: I'll never be considered a normal woman, but I'll never be happy with the body I have right now, so my solution was "pretend it doesn't need changing". But I want other people, like my friends, to look at me and not worry they think I'm a disgusting clown. I don't want strangers to give me the evil eye, but I want to feel comfortable in my own skin as well. I keep accusing myself of this being auto-gynephillia, as my sex drive is quite high, and even though these thoughts aren't sexual to me, I just generally feel ashamed for even HAVING a sex drive and liking the attention clueless men give me on OKcupid.
So, I guess what I'm really asking is: is it normal for dysphoria to feel like this? Or at least, relatable to some people? Among all this self-doubt, I need to know if this is valid or not