Is it normal: walking on eggshells?
As a child I tried my hardest not to upset my mother. Pick up the dish soap and put it down slightly in the wrong spot, she'd yell. First attempt at tying my shoe and messed up, she yelled. Try to stand up to her she'd grab me roughly and yell. I walked to school crying.
We shared the same room. She picked out my outfits. She dressed me. She undressed me. She bathed me. I told her no one day and she yelled and I was scared, I was scared of those eyes, so I shut my mouth once again. Showers once a week, went to school feeling disgusting.
Dad was always working. One day grandma locked herself in her room and stayed there until my dad got home. She didn't feel safe, so what about me?
Trying to fall asleep but afraid because she's talking to herself. I didn't understand. One day they told me she had to go away for a little bit. I didn't understand, but it was the best month of my life. I don't remember it, but I know it was.
She washed her hands for hours every day until they bled. I didn't understand.
She put every item in the house on folded paper towels. I didn't understand.
She took me outside and forced me to stare at the sun, I didn't understand.
She suspiciously peeked out through the blinds talking to herself. I didn't understand.
I was sent to 'our' room every day after school (prior to this she'd wash my feet in the sink) and wasn't suppose to leave, I didn't understand.
One day my dad tells me what happened that she had to go to the hospital for a month and I understand. He tells me another story of when I was a baby and he was holding me. My mom comes in with a knife and attempts to attack him. I still don't know if I'd like to believe that story, but only for selfish reasons do I. It would mean I had good reason to be afraid of her growing up. It would mean I couldn't do anything about the situations. It would mean I wasn't weak.
So now I understand. I understand why I flinch whenever someone's about to comment on what I'm doing. I understand why I'm afraid to be myself. I understand why I'm afraid to speak up. I understand why I walk on eggshells wherever I go.
Is it normal?