Is it possible to get a guy who has a gf of 4 years?

He's been with her 4 years but they broke up 5 times and once it was for a year.

They're 30. Not engaged. Not talking about marriage but they want to move in together next year. If I want to get him it has to be before then. Is it possible especially since they have broken up before? He doesn't feel as strongly for her as he should. He and her clash a ton and they don't seem as happy together as when he's with me. He also told me I make him feel the happiest he's ever been when we hang out. It's been 4 months since I've known him and the spark was almost immediate

Yes 9
No 7
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Comments ( 22 )
  • Yaidin

    My rule of thumb is if someone can leave their partner for a new one just like that, then they can leave you like that as well

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    • bbrown95

      Completely agreed! I've seen it happen over and over again, too.

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  • Lusty-Argonian

    I refuse to date anyone that does on again off again. If things were really good I'll consider a round 2. If round 2 ends then its over completely for me

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  • bbrown95

    Personally, I would leave someone in a relationship alone. It's not right to interfere even if one person isn't happy and may be initiating it, and it's very true that people who either cheat on or dump their partners for someone else they meet on a dime will most likely do it to you as well. I've seen this happen to friends and other people I know, and many of them made the mistake of thinking they were "different from the rest" (yet that is likely what that person told everyone before them as well).

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  • lolasprat

    Why should you be the one to ruin their relationship?

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    • I wouldn't consider it but i know they broke up 5 times once for a year and he complains about how he's stressed out in their relationship.

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      • RoyyRogers

        Dont get involved. If they off and on again its for a reason. As toxic as that reason might be.

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  • RoseIsabella

    If this guy cheats on his longterm girlfriend to get with you he will probably cheat on you to get with someone else that he likes better than you. The way your question is phrased makes it sound like you want to be the one to break them up for good. You don't have to be the bad guy in this scenario, you can choose not to be the other woman. If you do manage to as you've said, "get this guy", and he cheats on you with someone else it will be your own fault, and no one will feel sorry for you when it happens. Once a cheater always a cheater. Don't be a skank, leave those people alone.

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  • kikilizzo

    Being a homewrecker is trashy.
    That said you could come clean about your emotions and leave the rest up to him. Don't cheat with him though, just let him know, if he's truly unhappy then he will leave her.
    When i've been in this situation what i've done is display subtle interest, then when he mentions the girlfriend I said I dont want to get in the way and that if he's occupied then i'll back off and leave him be. That actually works unless the guy in question isn't into you. You'll have left a mark on him and you'll stay on his mind. However i'd never do something like that unless I knew for a fact that the guy isn't happy in his current relationship and that there's a level of mutual interest so the next time he's reminded of just how unhappy he is it'll be you he wants instead and it'll be his decision fully because you backed off. Plus you'll come off more respectful and all that jazz if you do it that way. Makes you more attractive..
    And yeah if it doesn't work and you don't hear back from him again then he wasn't into you. It's that simple.

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    • Thanks. Yeah to me it's like I can tell their relationship is not healthy anyone can I'm pretty sure. They also rarely see each other now and he subtly said he doesn't leave a relationship even if he's unhappy because he doesn't want to make someone unhappy so almost like admitting he's flat out not happy. He also like I said acts and says he feels the happiest he's ever been when he's with me. He is on depression medication and he even went off them now for the first time in many years he says because I changed him

      Maybe I'll hint I'm interested if he were single. I just fear waiting to tell him because what if they do break up again and he doesn't know how I feel and thinks I don't like him like that and he starts dating a new person?

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      • SkullsNRoses

        He sounds emotionally immature for 30, refusing to end a miserable relationship because he’s scared to be The Bad Guy.

        You don’t mention much about what this guy “brings to the table”, just how you make him feel less depressed and how bad his relationship is. Are you in it for him or for the ego boost and thrill of the chase?

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        • I'm in it for him. He wears his heart on his sleeve.

          She's the one who wears the pants in their relationship too. He's a soft introvert she's a loud extrovert who many even mistake for a lesbian because she's very manly in her appearance and actions. He's a reserved guy doesn't speak out much lol

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          • SkullsNRoses

            There’s being an introvert and there’s being a wimp. His refusal to leave his on/off girlfriend is indicative of him ignoring his problems rather than solving them.

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            • True

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  • Tommythecaty

    They were broken up for a quarter of their own relationship.....

    It’s not a guy or girl you want to get.

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    • Because they're not good together

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      • Tommythecaty

        Maybe it’s just them, but problems often carry over.

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  • olderdude-xx

    It's possible, but is it worth it?

    You are inviting a lot of pain and trouble into your life unless you actually know the real reason why he and her are having problems (and you have very likely only heard one side of the story), you are very confident that you can resolve that issue, and there are no other major issues. That's a low probability.

    What are your long term goals here? Be honest. It might be just to break them up so that he would be happier. But you being part of his life may not apply at all to that reason.

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  • 1WeirdGuy

    Not trying to hurt your feelings but it sounds like you are the side chic. He probably actually likes you and everything but I think he's unlikely to make the switch, but then again idk. I dont want to make assumptions but maybe his sex drive is too much for one girl and thats why he needs or wants you. He would cheat on you as well.

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  • Boojum

    Valid points from Yaidin and lolasprat, but it sounds to me like he wouldn't be leaving her "just like that" and from how you describe their relationship, it's not great now.

    Frankly, you talking about "getting him" sounds predatory. There's also just a hint that part of the reason you want him could be because someone else has him now. But maybe that's unjustified and unfair.

    I think you should carefully consider if you really understand what's going on between these two people. You obviously believe you've got a good handle on their relationship, but you say you've only known him for a few months, you say nothing about your impressions of her, and the implication is that your understanding of what's going on between him and her and their history is completely from his perspective. If that's the case, then surely you realise it's not the whole story, and it might be not even close to the _real_ story.

    It is possible for people to stick together out of inertia, due to toxic co-dependency or nasty manipulative shit, but if a couple has been together for four years, they're usually both getting _something_ they need out of the relationship. And just because a couple regularly lock-horns, that doesn't necessarily mean the relationship is bad. I couldn't cope with that, but some people need drama and conflict in their lives and relationships.

    Maybe the dude is as honest as the year is long, and maybe the relationship really is as fraught as he says it is. But the guy is a guy, and I think you should think carefully about the possibility that the negative things he says about her and the positive things he says about you are actually about an ulterior (and bloody obvious) motive.

    It seems to me that the sensible thing for you to do would be to let him know that you'd be interested in having a relationship with him if he wasn't involved with someone else. But, to be blunt, you'd be fucking stupid to get involved with him in any way before he makes a clear, permanent break from the other woman.

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    • Okay so if anything I just casually say "If you were single I'd date you"?

      And basically with their relationship, I may only know him a few months but she's always out and he's always in. He doesn't even see her much and he's subtly told me he "doesn't give up even if you feel unhappy you can't leave them because you promised them you'd be there"

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      • Boojum

        Saying that would definitely let him know your feelings. I think lots of people would dance around the point and hint, mainly because they were afraid of being rejected. But if you really like the guy and you're comfortable with that risk, go for it.

        As for his comment, I have to say that I very much disagree with that attitude. Being willing to commit is a positive thing, and sticking with a partner to try to work out problems is much better than stomping out the door at the first conflict. But what he's saying is that no matter what she might do, he's made a commitment, so that means he has to be a doormat forever.

        You might try to figure out where that comes from. Maybe his parents split when he was a kid, and he was so traumatised by that he's now determined to never do what the "bad" parent did. Maybe the relationship between his parents was really shit, and one or both of them told him that they had to stay together regardless because they'd promised they would at one point. Maybe he's just lacking in self-esteem, he feels he can't do better than the woman and so what he said is just an excuse.

        Whatever the reason for it, I don't think it's a healthy attitude to have.

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