Is sleep fetish normal

Waterblossom
5 minutes ago | pl
I have been married for thirty years. I have known my husband since elementary school. My husband started messing with me in my sleep about seven years ago. Our relationship has really gone downhill and this new thing hasn't helped at all. I now do not want to have sex with him anymore. I feel completely violated. I have my own room now. I thought the problem had stopped although there have been times I have woke up with him kneeling beside me..wierd stuff. But, he was definitely up to it again two days ago. The fact he does it is upsetting enough, but the real concern is why is he doing this after all these years? Is he going through a midlife crisis? Does he really want to be with someone else? Has he just lost his damn mind? And if I should wake up with him messing with me and I break his face...Will I go to jail? I feel raped. Suggestions? Since I have been with this man my whole life, I would rather try to understand him than leave him. But I feel violated and just want to leave. I'm confused.

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Comments ( 4 )
  • MR.mr

    PLEASE I'M BEGGING YOU!!! LISTEN TO MY ADVICE!!!

    Please I would hate to have such a long lasting endearing relationship destroyed.

    First the two of you need to have an honest open discussion. He needs to explain why he likes touching you in your sleep. And you need to tell him why you don't like it.

    I know this may sound obvious but its not always.

    From his perspective: This is likely about power, maybe he feels like he's been loosing control in life and this is a way to feel better. Taking you like this as his personal treasure is probably not meant to be degrading in his mind the may actually be a way of showing affection. And your refusing sex has likely confused him as he probably doesn't get why you don't like it.

    From your perspective: I assume your confused about why he's developed these new strange desires and you feel like him doing this too you is not an act of love but a violation of trust. You don't get why he continues and you just want your husband back the way he was.
    Am I correct, maybe not if so then understand why it is not always easy to ascertain the root of the problem.

    You too need a long honest and open discussion.
    And you both need to learn this, you need to understand that people and what they want changes throughout their life as they grow, he needs to understand that instead of just doing things to you without informing you he should talk about new things he wants to try and get your feed back.

    Another important thing.
    I can't begin to understand how violated you must feel so please forgive me if I seem insensitive but I must tell you, cutting him off from sex is going to be the final nail in the coffin of your marriage.
    Sex is not just physical its emotional, by cutting him off you will not only annoy his physical needs but make him feel ugly and unwanted. Which if I'm correct about him thinking of what he's been doing as showing affection will confuse him further.

    This is not to say that this is your fault, you have made it abundantly clear you don't like what he's been doing and he has not stopped. He needs to understand this.

    I have 3 recommendations.

    1.- You both need to have a serious talk about this and be open and frank with each other.
    2- you should do Arthur Aron's 36 question experiment together, believe me it will do wonders.
    3.-Start dating each other again. this DOES NOT in anyway mean a trial separation. I mean go out on dates like you did when you were first dating. and build up to sex like when you were teens all over again. It's clear that you love each other but have had problems for years so just start over again. Have him plan out special outings, and you do it too, contrary to what sitcoms show guys like to be romanced to. And when your ready to have sex TALK with each other about what you want. I would seriously recommend some light bdsm.

    Above all talk

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    • Waterblossom

      Thank you so much for taking the time to respond to my post. I had to reread several times because I couldn't see through the tears. I have had noone with whom I could talk to about this. I was so desperate for answers I turned to the internet for help. And I am grateful you checked in with so much helpful, and insiteful advice. I have much to think about and can now begin to dissect this problem. After considering some of our marital issues, I personally feel this is more about power than affection. Without overdosing you on my marital dilemma, he hasn't worked in over ten years (I say partially by choice. He says one hundred percent not by choice), and I over work..While he plays video games. Sorry...A little anger there..lol. He is jealous, not just of men but anyone I may have a close relationship. He has a narcissistic personality and exhibits behaviour associated with narcissists. And, we struggle with parenting issues. I feel I am being unfair and one sided, so I will admit I have a power trip too. As you can tell, we have alot that we have gone through, and I am just so, so angry with him resulting in my arguments where I admittedly demasculanized him. I do feel horrible about it, but rationize my behavior because he has hurt me in so many ways that to some women would be unforgivable. However, all that being said, I have considered leaving many times. But I keep staying hoping to work things out. The hard, and seemingly impossible thing to do is to undo the damage I caused to his masculinity (,or him restoring my feminity). I don't know how to start again as you say..Being friends. Maybe it isn't even possible now..Even if I wanted to stay in this relationship. Got any suggestions on how to mend this..Beyond date night because we try this. I'm talking more about how to learn to be genuinely intimate again? A suggestion on how I might reach really deep and find some forgiveness? And, ya...I kind of don't like him too much right now so letting him spank me or anything where he overpowers me is going to be difficult. But, on the sake of trying, do I just say hey, want to tie me up? Or just how do I initiate or talk to him about bdsm?

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      • MR.mr

        Honestly strange as it may sound i think both of you need to forget about the idea of ''forgiveness''. I'm not saying there shouldn't be a I'm sorry moment but actions speak louder than words.

        If you really want this relationship to work you don't need to forgive each other you just need to work with one another. I know he hurt you and as you've said you've hurt him but thinking about the past will not fix the future. One of my all time favorite quotes from my favorite book series is.
        ''Life is the future not the past.''

        I can't say whether ou should keep trying or end it that's your call but if you do want it to work, I know you said you're not sure if it's possible, Anything is possible if both of you truly want it and are willing to work for it.

        I don't know what to say about the job situation, but if he isn't working and you are it's reasonable I think that he should do some work around the house, and massage your feet or whatever when you get home. Talk to him.

        As for the power thing which is an issue with every couple. I would seriously recommend some light bdsm play, instead of him touching you in your sleep without your consent, try some play where he is in a dominant position, and for you make sure he does good after care cuddling, eye contact ect...
        I have a question does him touching you in your sleep bother you because of the act itself or because he never asked beforehand if you'd be ok with it?

        Whatever you two do, you need to have sex at some point for both your sakes cutting it off isn't healthy for either party.
        I'm sorry if I put too much emphases on the sexual part of the relationship but I know how important it can be.

        For intimacy I'd recomend the following.
        Seriously Arthur Aron's experiment is amazing, here's a link to a page for it. https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/open-gently/201310/36-questions-bring-you-closer-together

        Other things that are simple but much more help than people realize are cuddling. Eye contact, seriously look into each others eyes every morning for 2 minutes and see if your feeling for each other don't improve. I would also suggest the two of you begin sleeping together again, though i understand if you don't considering he hasn't stopped.
        One more thing self hypnosis is amazing, if you each spend 30 seconds 5 times aday thinking of the good times the two of you had over the years, while smiling(seriously smiling while doing it influences your mood and thoughts) you'll both start loving each other more.

        If you have anymore questions please let me know.

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  • Takuto

    I understand this has been a long relationship and you want to keep it going but if you're in a different room then it's already broken. He is literally raping you as you're unavailable to give consent, being unconscious and all.
    I know you might not want to but you should leave him. I'm not saying you HAVE to but that's what I'd do if I had a wife who did that. To me it just goes against any relationship standards: Trust, Loyalty, Protecting the other etc.
    However if you really want to salvage what's left I recommend you ask him what he's playing at and get a solution to your problem with him.
    He may feel desperate for sex (not that that's a viable excuse at all) or he feels the need to overpower you because he sees men as being better than women (not only is this also not an excuse it's also sexist, I know many women better than me)or he has a fetish (oh hey, this isn't an excuse either :3).

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