Is this ok

I lived with lots of different family members growing up. A lot of bad things happened, definitely out of not avoiding bad situations I wasn't smart enough to avoid

Some I think were just prejudice out of my nonconformity, some were good people but again I couldn't keep myself out of trouble, and some are basically Trump

The last person I lived with basically led me to believe the family I think is good to not want anything to do with me and steered me away from the one biological parent who didn't just flat out abandon me as someone I shouldn't interact with.

I think it's possible he did that to stroke his own ego, at that point he felt abandoned by his own family too. Part of me thinks there's a lot of truth to it too

I tried talking to him a while back and he was just like "too bad so sad" and sent me pictures of his oldest son visiting him. I de deactivated Facebook and searched him up and apparently that son is dead. He made a post about it that screams for attention and he got a bunch of comments basically from his work life saying gosh that sucks and people calling him Mr and using his full formal name which he never goes by, making the pity seem all the more shallow to me. Even one from a relative of mine, not his, literally saying gosh

He turned into or revealed himself as this really pathetic mentally deranged person who needs control and will stoop to machiavellianism or dark psychology or social puppeteering or whatever you want to call it and would just play people to his advantage

Even though I'm not planning on talking to him or any of them ever again I still feel worried that he's gone and said a bunch of shit which at this point would be spread around. My family member he's friends with would probably buy it or give him benefit of doubt or whatever and he would have much more credibility with everyone else as far as consideration from the source. That family member also posts a bunch of stuff that seems like could be jabs at me

I stopped talking to all these other family members because I didn't even live in the same state as them anymore and he told me things like so and so came so close to divorce because of me and not to trust my biological parent because she's done such and such and I feel like now I may have been played and now talked about. I chose to leave him after saving up money to move out and I know he's super bitter about that because he wanted me there to literally just financially support him, he wanted to bleed me dry and since it's his car and his house had final rule over literally everything I did and I never had money never did anything, always do whatever he wanted and it was driving me mad

I was homeless for a long time, longer than I really can count. I've spent years with no one to talk to or hang around or be with, living in a car and I feel like I lost so much time and potential. I'm not homeless anymore but there's so much I need to catch up on and I'm still alone with no one to talk to or whatever it needs to be called, I'm just alone. I don't trust people unless they're nice and then I get too friendly too quickly.

I get judged constantly for not knowing pop culture things out wearing same old clothing every day. When I first heard of tiktok I thought it was some kesha thing. People quote things I don't get. Someone got mad because I wanted them to explain Vines because it didn't make sense how someone could be so comfortable and bored they could watch a string of short videos and be entertained. A lot of these things don't mean shit to me because survival is what I've been focused on for so long. I care more about being capable to work and not killing myself and figuring out how to get food than keeping up with all the avengers movies and people visibly withdraw from any notion of camaraderie because all I can think to say to "*pretty sincere laughter* ah have you ever seen such and such movie" is *smile politely* "I haven't seen it"

And it tears me apart because they know I've been homeless for so long, going to a theater all sweaty and frizzy and smelly to burn through money when I'm trying to figure out how to not be homeless on ten dollars an hour with the social skills of an outcast (basically nullifying any chance in a room share, which have clearly failed every time I tried)

One guy was even trying to be a smart ass talking about smelly people like "all it takes is a little soap" do you think I can just get an abundance of water soap space and privacy living out of a car

I feel so alone and when I try to make things work I fail, when I don't try and stay formal and aloof people don't want me around. I'm always constantly afraid of being fired and things spiraling out of control and anyone who begins to see this visibly thinks I deserve it all

I'm ranting now but this just sucks so much. I seriously don't even know how to talk to people, like I compose myself thoughtfully and other people always just seem to say the first thing that pops in their head without thinking and no matter what I say to people I'm always disliked