Is this really what life is supposed to be?
Where to begin, around 15-16 something changed and I just didnt feel like being social anymore I just didnt see the overall point so I lost touch and contact with many friends and basically just spent most of my time alone. I think being an only child had a major impact on my doing this, but anyway, fast forward to college and the same thing happens, I know how to interact in general but dont feel comfortable doing it and honestly I dont even really like it, and really didnt have much motivation to do it. But I graduated, got an MBA even (lot of good that does haha) landed some silly job in a state office where I go in and sit in front of a computer doing anything to occupy my time until life can begin again (when the work day ends). I am 32 now, had some I guess you can call them romantic relationships through my 20s, but nothing meaningful, in fact meeting a woman never really interested me much either, I used to laugh to myself at the pressure other men, well boys really, put on themselves for it, even at absurd ages like 16-17. The only real reason or at least the strongest reason I did it is because I wanted to "fit in" and avoid the stigma that society attachs to those people who have the nerve NOT to get married or have kids. But at my age now I just dont really care anymore, I used to think perhaps getting married and then having kids would give me some meaning or purpose, but it wont, what it will do is overly complicate my life with an at best 50/50 shot of being an overall rewarding experience. Well sorry I would need more of a guarantee then 50/50 to undertake that. Besides I have a silly woman at work that tells me what to do, why would I want one at home doing the same thing?
So in between dying a slow death at my job every day, I try to occupy myself with working out after work, which sort of helps but is getting boring as well, even though I do look great and would probably be considered handsome. I recently began volunteering at an animal rescue (dogs and cats) and it is a rewarding experience, even the people are tolerable, but it still just something to fill the time. I would never volunteer to actually help people, maybe mentally/physically handicapped people, but I tend to think anyone else created the situations they are in and are too lazy to take responsibility for themselves. Which is fine with me, I dont really care if you go live in an alleyway or dumpster somewhere, just dont expect help from me.
Recently my life is just the same, every single day, I mean is this what its supposed to be?? You get up, regret the fact that you actually woke up, realize you have to go to work, think of a way to get out of it, realize there isnt a way out of it, actually go to work, shut half your brain off to dull the effect of actually being there, go home, and then fill your time until you have to go sleep and do it all over again. Sure you have the weekends but Fri night you are usually too tired (from shitty work) to do much so you go to sleep early, wake up Saturday to a good amount of chores, get them done, perhaps Sat afternoon you can relax knowing you have the next day off, suddenly its Sunday, and then you turn around twice and its 8 pm on Sunday night and then you have to start all over again.
I used to rarely drink, I enjoyed it, but was always careful to keep it just on the weekends and not much even then either. I drink more days then I dont now, at least 4-5 days out of the week, never to excess but I find I still need it. Its one of the few things I look forward to anymore. Basically is this it? Is this what life really is? I have a dog and he is a wonderful dog, but once my parents are gone what reason would I have to go on? I dont have much of one now, but I cant have my parents bury their only child.
Is this normal?