It makes me a different person

im a newbie so sorry if it's not the sort of question that gets asked but i really need to talk about something bad I did and apologies for the length.

After school i was a self entitled idiot I didn't want a job so I didn't look for one. Went to college. After that my mom and dad seperated he went from a loving person to aloholic abusive. I gained weight after this and both played a part in either starting or awakening an underlying anxiety disorder. Now I wanted a job but couldn't even enter a supermarket and when I forced myself I had a panic attack, an actual attack palpatations, dizzy, thinking i'd die.
How could i find a job in that state. So. 3 years after high school My mom and brother are beyond tired of me being jobless, deservedly so, i am ashamed of the first year and am embarrased and ashamed of only being able to apply for anxiety friendly jobs.
I apply for every job I see for months and don't get a single interview. By now my anxiety is making me walk on eggshells everyday all day at home I felt like I needed them to know I'm trying. I decide to pretend I have an interview then leave dressed smart go to a secluded place till time has past then go home, a pathetic plan by an anxious mind.

Not even at the bad part

My mom bless her unknown to me buys me new smart clothes and orders a taxi for the next morning. Next morning I get in the taxi plan to go to the local supermarket then go to the planned spot.

you might wonder why the next bit is so in depth but it will make sense

I get in and anxiety gets full blown which turns me into a different person, give the new destination but the driver mishears me and i'm to anxious to speak up to correct him so off we go, realising it means a two hour wait for the village bus I speak up moments later and give the new destination.
halfway there he tells me he drives my brother to work often, he was really talkative and I just knew he'd talk about dropping me off at the supermarket.
Anxiety at an all time high realising this I fake a text, sigh loudly and tell him i'm really sorry but plans had changed it all relied on that text I had to help someone but no longer need to so I can go to my job interview.
Poor guy reprograms it again and tells me his boss'll be on his ass so i ask if I can help, phone the guy explain its my fault.
He tells me how much it is on the way there and I don't have enough he says not to worry. get there pay him kicking myself he was a really nice guy and I fucked him over. Walked home thought that was that.
My brother got a taxi with him this morning and was told everything, but, the driver thought there was something wrong with me that I was extremely confused.
I refuse to talk about anxiety with my family, friends fine but id rather walk and never talk about it to my family I can't even comprehend talking about it with them makes me sudder. To avoid having "the talk" about my anxiety which is where it was going I did something horrible, i have a friend who lives near the market who had a mom who used to be abusive, I said I got a call from him saying his mom had gone for him with a knife asking if he could stay the night before he calls the police and sorts his younger brothers out. I planned to pick him up drop him off at mine then go to my interview.
I actually fucking did that but all I can focus on is that I don't think she was convinced as she had to ask. All I can focus on now is my brother coming home later and I feel like a little kid waiting for a telling off, im not used to arguing with my brother and anxiety turns an argument into the worst thing in the world.
I don't really care about the lie if it gets me off. If i explain it and he's fine then I think id also be fine using that lie.
I love my friends and would do anything for them but when anxiety happens all that seems to go and Ill seemingly do anything to not have to speak about anxiety.
Does anxiety do that or am I just an asshole?I know in a few days ill ook back and be ashamed but right now in the grips of anxiety i dont care if it means i get away