My boyfriend died of a heart attack

I am a 48 year old female, up till 6 months ago, I was happy, on top of the world. and deeply in love. My boyfriend was 4 years younger than me, but that didnt matter to either of us, we both believed we had found our "soul mate" and couldnt be happier! On the night of May 12, we had decided to go watch the car races, since he was a former racecar driver and really loved to go. He had told me on that particular night he wanted to go especially bad, so we went. It was a fun, but uneventful night, but when he got up from the bleachers to go check on my daughter, I noticed he was walking funny, I could tell it was his back, and he told me, upon return, that his low back was hurting, really bad. I could tell he was in severe pain, so we ended up leaving early, which was highly unusual. On the drive home, I plead with him to go to the hospital, although it was just lower back pain, something didnt seem right to me. Being the tough guy, he said he would be ok, and we went home. He went to bed early that night, and I went and laid with him, massaging his back,giving him ibprofen,doing what I could to help. He had a restless night, and being as he was a smoker, got up several times during the night to smoke and each time I went with him as he was in such pain he had a hard time walking. By morning, the sheets were soaked with his sweat and he told me he was shaking all night, again I begged him to go to the dr..but he said no, he was ok. It was a little before 9am, May 13th..mothers day...and he went to lay down on the bed again, said it was really hurting, the last words he spoke to me were, it feels like something stuck in my throat..I gave him some water and he seemed better and laid down..I told him I was gonna go fold the laundry in the living room...right by the bedroom..and to call me if he needs anything. For some reason, I dont know if I heard something, or if my instinct was telling me to go check on him, but I peeked in the bedroom, to see him turning blue,having a seizure, and struggling to breathe. In a panic, I grabbed the phone, called 911, and while frantically telling them what was going on, checked for a pulse...finding one very erratic and going way to fast, and he wasnt breating. I started cpr..and yelled at the 911 operator asking where the f#$% the ambulance was...the whole time I was doing cpr..I could tell he was dying..there was much fluid coming out of his mouth, he had the death rattle, and I couldnt get a pulse. It took them 15 minutes to get here when the hospital is 5 min away...I knew by the time they got here, he was pretty much gone..and I and my 9 year old were in total hysterics...as she saw the whole awful event. Last I saw him, his face was purple, and the paramedics were working on him, they worked on him 45 minutes, but he died :( I lost it and ended up in the psyche ward for a week because I tried to commit suicide after he died. Since then, I have been plagued with guilt, because I couldnt save him, and I am totally obsessed with death. I look at pictures, google what happens during a heart attack...I need to know what he felt, if he felt alot of pain, was he afraid..these questions torment me. I cant really say im afraid of death, but I am obsessed with it...there are times I welcome it because I feel it is the only way I will see him again...I am not the same person..I rarely smile..and I feel I am living to die..if that makes any sense. I am on antidepressants..and have seen a psychiatrist...but quit going because they are no help at all..I dont feel depression..in the sense most people do...but I am so obsessed with death that is all I can think about...is this a normal reaction???