My boyfriend just died and i am not going to the funeral
My boyfriend died yesterday. I cannot handle going to the funeral. I'm so scared.
Is it normal?
Voting Results
59% Normal
Based on 32 votes
(19 yes)
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Comments ( 33
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Cuntsiclestick
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olderdude-xx
My condolences, and I've been in a similar situation in my life. I understand.
I highly suggest that you go... and don't worry about making a scene. People will easily forgive you about that. You just lost your love in life.
Later in life you will understand that there are only 2 thinks that you take to your deathbed. The memories and evidence of your successes in life - and your regrets in life.
I too once did not attend a funeral of a close friend in high school. It's one of my bigger regrets in life.
Not only that - but his family and other friends noticed my absence - and that affected a lot of other things afterwards as they could not understand why I did not attend; and essentially shunned me (and it cost me my best platonic GF at the time, who I was hoping to start having sex with that summer).
Please go... and at least tell the family that you miss him so... It's totally OK if you cry, act up, etc. It's totally OK to tell his and your family that you don't know if you can hold it together. Everyone either knows that you were his SO, or will be immediately told. No one will hold it against you.
You may also find others will console you and perhaps tell you similar stories about their experiences... which often brings at least some relief (you are not alone in feeling how you feel).
It's also OK to ask your family, friends, and even his family for support to help you attend because you are falling apart (or whatever other terms fit your situation).
Know this though; you will find other really good friends and soul mates in the future...
I wish you the best; and I believe in you and your ability to attend the funeral and find at least some relief from it.
You will feel much better about yourself in the future.
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Boojum
What are you afraid of? If you have a realistic concern about getting drama and crap of some sort from his relatives and friends, then it's probably best that you do not attend. The reality is that he won't care if you're there or not. And even if you choose to believe that he still exists in some form somewhere, you can also choose to believe that he'll know what's in your heart and why you aren't there.
There's very often a huge amount of hypocrisy involved in funerals, with people showing up who didn't really give a shit about the dead person while they were alive or actually disliked or even hated them. If you don't attend his funeral and everyone in his life knew you were an item, your absence will probably be noticed and people will draw their own conclusions from you not being there. Some of those conclusions will probably be completely wrong; some might be correct. What you need to ask yourself is how important it is to you that those people see you at the funeral. If you don't really give a damn about their opinions while the people whose opinions do matter to you know how his death has affected you, then don't go.
There's no standard way to grieve the death of someone we care about. You shouldn't pay any attention to anyone who says that you're not dealing with his death in the "correct" way; it's all just social conventions. You will deal with his death the best you can, and as long as you don't get stuck at some point to such a degree that you can't move on with your life, you'll be doing fine.
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Lusty-Argonian
My grandpa recently died, I was expected to go to the funeral. I've seen him maybe 4 times my entire life and never liked these to begin with. Surprisingly no one has given me dhit for not wasting 2 days pto to attend a funeral I have no fucks to give about
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Boojum
It sounds like - apart from your late grandfather - you might have a basically reasonable family.
As I said in my earlier, it's often the case that funerals are a huge exercise in hypocrisy. There's often performative grieving by people who are indifferent about the death or even secretly relieved that the bastard in the box has finally fucked off out of their lives. Families can be very weird, manipulative and demanding when it comes to younger members "paying their respects" to an elder member who has died even if there was no mutual respect - or even interest - when the old git was alive.
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Lusty-Argonian
Yea funerals are weird in its entirety. I can promise you not many are missing the basterd. He'd the type of guy to get a black dog name it nigger then beat it. So not exactly a big loss to most people.
They tried to get me to go with my brother but like no. Funerals are weird. I hope I don't have one when I die. I dont want a bunch of people wasting their time over my meat sack.
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bbrown95
I can't tell you whether you should or shouldn't go, as that's a very personal decision (though I think if it's important to you, you should), but I do want to share my condolences. I'm very sorry for your loss, and the circumstances surrounding it. It is not your fault. I wish you the best.
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Grunewald
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ThatOneGuyYouNeverWantToMeet
I didn't go to any of my loved ones funerals because I didn't want to see their corpses. I loved them, not their bodies & they weren't in their bodies anymore.
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Wtf055
Tbh i wouldnt go either. The last time you see them and theyre in a casket with their eyes closed? Nothanks. Thats traumatizing tbh and idk why funerals are even a thing.
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Curiouskitten444
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Anonymous Post Author
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SkullsNRoses
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bigbudchonger
Go to the funeral. My uncle died recently. I'm on goverment money because I'm that retarded and can't leave my house functionally, but I'm still forcing myself to go.
It's selfish of you not to go.
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hauntedbysandwiches
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litelander8
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1WeirdGuy
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Somenormie
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hauntedbysandwiches
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Mini69
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Anonymous Post Author
He committed suicide. We had had a big fight,and I texted him that I was sorry,but it was too late. Plus,he had talked about killing himself for months beforehand.
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olderdude-xx
My best friend in High School committed suicide...
I understand a lot about your situation.
He did not commit suicide because of you... There were significant other problems behind it.
It is possible that you were the feather that broke an extremely structurally deficient bridge. But the bridge failed from being extremely structurally deficient, not because a feather landed on it. Anything that landed at that point would have collapsed the bridge, and even just temperature changes or wind.
It may take a while for the family to understand that (and I've known more than a few families who have had children suicide). But, they will know that there were other major issues at play.
You also can move forward in life and have a positive future...
I wish you well, and a bright future with new relationships..
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Mini69
Not your fault then. People fight and argue all the time, doesn’t mean you expect them to kill themselves. You say he had talked about killing himself for ages so if it hadn’t happened when it did the chances are it would have done soon anyway.
I think you should go to the funeral, stay quietly in the back, make your peace with his death then go home and grieve.
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Amir_am882
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RoyyRogers
It's understandable if you feel bad or do not want to see your loved one in that state. I advise you to go for your own sanity though. You will regret not being able to say good bye. Also morning is very important so no one should disrupt you if you wish to attend.
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Boojum
Try to bear in mind that you are not responsible for his death. Like all of us, he had the power to end his own life and he decided to exercise that option. Regardless of the wrongs and rights of your argument, who said what to whom and who was ultimately responsible for the blow-up, he apparently chose to react to it in a particular way.
Sometimes suicide is a cry for help. Sometimes it's an act of despair by someone who simply sees no good reason to continue living. But sometimes suicide is the ultimate "Fuck you!" and it's actually intended to inflict the maximum pain on those left behind.
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EnglishLad
Unless you are the one who drove him to his death there's no reason not to go.
If you don't go people will wonder why you're not there and ask questions.
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Amir_am882
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Anonymous Post Author
I'm worried that I may make a scene,and that I would disrupt the service. Also,I don't want to leave the house.
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olderdude-xx
Don't be worried about making a scene or disrupting the service. That's totally normal and everyone will understand and work with you on that; no one will feel offended or hold it against you. This commonly happens at funerals of younger people.
See my longer reply: My experience is that it really is best for you - and everyone else - if you go.
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Amir_am882
Unfortunately you have to go and stand by his parents and show them that you cared about him other wise they may accuse you of pushing him toward suiciding
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