My fiance has high functioning autism but sometimes

20 Comments

He has extremely high functioning autism where the average person would never ever know he has it, he can actually socialize really well, he's great at conversing with just about anyone, he isn't the type to go on and on, he knows when to end his side of the conversation and when to leave altogether.

But sometimes he says something that is offensive to me but doesn't realize it is. At first I just assumed he had no regard for my feelings during the time he'd say something rude but then I realized recently it's probably the autism because he'll say something I'll get upset and defensive and he doesn't think he did anything wrong.
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*CONVO WE HAD*

Me: When we have kids I would love to take them to an aquarium!

Him: Aquariums don't teach children much. I think museums are better suited for children.

Me: I'd love to take them to museums too but I'm just saying I'd like to take them to an aquarium because it would make me happy.

Him: A museum is better suited for children if you want them to learn a variety of things at once.

Me: Okay but I'm saying I want to take them to an aquarium because it would be fun. It's something I'd want to do..you don't have to agree or come but I'm just saying I want to I'm making a statement of something that makes me happy to think about.

Him: I don't think aquariums are suited for children. I wouldn't want to take them.

Me: Okay so I'd take them. If you don't want to go then I'd take them but I think it would be nice for them and us too.

Him: Aquariums are not as interesting as museums. Why are you stuck on aquariums?

Me: I'm not I was just making a statement.

Him: This is getting out of hand there's no reason to keep talking about aquariums. It's making me really anxious.

Me: What's happening? You just kept shutting me down when I was only telling you it's something I want that's all. It was just a thought not sure what you're anxious about.

Him: Okay and you can't change my view of aquariums to match yours.

Me: What? I wasn't trying to I was just saying I think the idea is fun and makes me happy.

Him: You keep talking about aquariums now, this argument is making me so anxious.

**🤦‍♀️ Then I'll get really annoyed because he'll always say "you're making me anxious" or "stop arguing" when I'm telling him something.

He's a nice guy, he means well. He's thoughtful and sweet but maybe a few times a month I'll say a statement about something I like or want to do, he'll shut it down then he'll end up saying he's anxious. I don't know what to say to overcome this because other than this there's no other issues in our relationship**

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Comments ( 20 )

MonteMetcalfe

2 years ago

What if he doesn't have autism? What if he's just an asshole sometimes?

PS- Aquariums are a great place to take kids and yes, there is plenty to learn there. Tell your boyfriend it's an ocean museum.

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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  2 years ago
  
  I mean he's diagnosed with it, had a full assessment for it twice. Once when he was 10 but his parents rejected it saying they were wrong then he was struggling in schedules and with time like if he's one minute off for when he wanted to leave he gets really anxious he shuts down so his psych said he should get an assessment again and he has it.
  
  Yeah I tried telling him that too but he still kept it up about museums idk what else to say. He's actually nice most of the time but it's only these moments he gets too serious in it and I get really aggravated.
  
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1WeirdGuy

2 years ago

The fact that he starts playing victim by saying hes getting anxiety is a redflag. But if he is young he may just not have much experience talking to girls and having relationships. You learn alot by being in a relationship. How to let things go and let the other have ground when needed.

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olderdude-xx

2 years ago

As a kid I loved going to the Aquarium...

I think you are really misjudging how interesting they can be.

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- Somenormie
  
  2 years ago
  
  So did I, I love looking at all the fishes and whatnot.
  
  Hence why fishes became my favorite pet.
  
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RandomNumbers

2 years ago

I am also what you could call a "high functioning autist", so i hope my intake will be useful.

People like us can be quite cold sometimes, and at other times quite sensitive. Its really hard for us to know what is "normal". We actually do an intelectual effort to understand and know it. Its no different than a random history or biology trivia.
So because of that, an as i saw in another comment that he is afraid of the ocean, well, he doesnt know how ok it is to be afraid of the ocean. Maybe he thinks its a thing only he has, or that only he has it in the proportion that he feels. Because of this he might not feel confortable with it, or want to hide his real motives behind an intelectualized argument.

Hiding a primal emotion behind an intelectualized argument is a very common thing, specially with inteligent people. And if you push it he will get anxious because the argument is falling appart, and he is afraid he will be discovered. If you notice him getting defensive like in the dialog that you exemplified, dont get defensive about your point (honestly, getting defensive about it is a useless emotional reaction that never helps). Try looking at the situation in a deeper way:
Why is he acting like that? What kind of reason could make him unconfortable with this subject?
Also, when its about something far off, like when you finally have kids and they are old enough to go to an aquarium (which i would assume is at least a couple years away) its just not worth arguing.
"Oh, a museum teaches the kids more? yeah, you're right. hey, did you see that nice park the other day?"

I find very cute that you're dating him. I hope you two all the best. I know how complicate an autistics emotional life is. Be patient and lovingly, and you will have a lifelong partner and ally, im sure. Dont judge him for not picking things up in the air. For people like us they pretty much dont exist in within our perception

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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  2 years ago
  
  Thanks for all of that. Yeah it's been a challenge sometimes because I do realize he doesn't always answer the way a neurotypical would and he's even had arguments with friends and when he told me it was pretty clear he didn't realize how he said something was seen as offensive but overall he's a really good guy. It's just been difficult.
  
  Yeah I know it's too far in the future to argue about that but it just upset me how he seemed to almost be saying I'm not allowed to go to the aquarium if we have children in the future which is depressing but maybe if we do have kids later he'd realize and say it's fine.
  
  Thanks yeah he's the first person I've dated who has autism so it's been different that's for sure but he has a good heart overall and we get along well 90% of the time but these arguments/discussions give me a headache
  
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jethro

2 years ago

Well actually I think you just pushed it and pushed it and wouldn't leave it alone. I could see that you wanted him to change his way of thinking to yours. When he said he thought museums were a better choice for learning and told you why he thought that, you should have just dropped it. But you kept beating it to death until you triggered his autism to kick in.

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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  2 years ago
  
  You sound deranged. Troll harder next time.
  
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  - jethro
    
    2 years ago
    
    You're the troll. See you next tuesday.
    
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Billy247newaccount_35467829

2 years ago

So what, maybe he just doesn't like Aquariums. What's the point in bitching about it?

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Meowypowers

2 years ago

No offence, but please don't procreate. I'm not sure if any of that excange was autism fueled. But I learned more about French Impressionists and whale sharks, and our plans for dinner in the time I read that.

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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  2 years ago
  
  Wow what a rude comment.
  
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adobeslats

2 years ago

Sounds like a normal bf/gf argument to me, he was probably just tired of the discussion and knows he can use anxiety/autism to shut you down. If he’s extremely high functioning it shouldn’t be difficult to handle simple disagreements like an adult.

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- RoseIsabella
  
  2 years ago
  
  Maybe she should tell him to stop acting like a little punk-ass?
  
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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  2 years ago
  
  How would you go about this then? I just want him to say okay not keep it up then say I'm the one keeping it up
  
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  - adobeslats
    
    2 years ago
    
    Idk, I’d probably just be like “cool but I’m still gonna take them to the aquarium” after his first response and if he insists on arguing then I’d just ignore him since he’s apparently only talking to hear himself talk.
    
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RoseIsabella

2 years ago

Maybe he's afraid of aquariums? 😱

You're nicer than me. I would probably go off on someone if they said I was making them anxious. He's getting anxious, because what you're saying is making him uncomfortable, but you are not making him anxious. I think he should take ownership of his emotions instead of trying to blame you, and act like a big baby about it. I don't take kindly to people who try to shut me down.

How does he feel about the deep, blue sea, and all the sea creatures big, and small within it? Is he afraid of the ocean?

Now, if you'll excuse me I have the sudden urge to listen to sea shanties. Arrrh!

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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  2 years ago
  
  Actually he's afraid of the ocean 😂
  
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  - RoseIsabella
    
    2 years ago
    
    I KNEW IT!!! 🤓 ...and that's why I be singin' me sea shanty songs, arrrh! 🌊🐳🐋🐬🐟🐠🐡🦈🐙🐚🦀🦞🦐🦑
    
    Yeah, see it would be impossible for me to resist teasing him about being afraid of the ocean, or I'd just sit around the house watching JAWS every night to send him a passive-aggressive message. At the very least I'd feel compelled to confront a person who did this to me, because it would be their own fear causing the anxiety, not me, or my desire to go to the aquarium. Hell, I'd probably tell him to man up and take me to the aquarium.
    
    Yeah, I don't think any of this is your fault at all. I think he's being very unreasonable. I think he's trying to shut you down, because he's insecure about his fear of the deep, blue sea... arrrh!
    
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Are You Normal?

My fiance has high functioning autism but sometimes