My girlfriend absolutely refuses to orgasm

Maybe she doesn't know how to yet? Is she young?

Look, u didnt mind feeling vulnerable in front of her that's u, her she doesnt want it.

Boo hoo she can't orgasm. Big deal.

Sounds like she's grown up sheltered.
It's really good that you are patient and try to talk about it and not push her to do anything she's not okay with.
She really should consider professional help but if she's awkward about sex then it's natural for her to feel embarrassed about reaching out to a professional about it.

Maybe you can take a break from having sex for a while?
And next time you do it, take it step by step and do a lot of foreplay to make sure she's in the mood.
Cuddle for a while and be intimate in non-sexual ways, show her that it's not all about sex.
Then bring it up again and tell her that you want her to feel comfortable and therefore you two need to be able to talk about this. Maybe suggest couples therapy. She might need education on sex as well as therapy to help overcome any feelings of guilt or embarrassment holding her back.

Give it time before you start the real action. I know how it feels but you don't have to rush, lick her breasts, use your fingers well.

Give her time. Keep having sex, and she will slowly relax.. and then someday it will happen.

Once it does she will want and allow it a lot.

Seriously, dude, I feel for you. My late wife (we were married for about 20 years) wasn't nearly as hung-up about sex as your girlfriend is and our sexual relationship was what I'd term okay, but there were perfectly normal things she simply would not do. For example, like your girlfriend, she refused to allow me to give her oral (although she enjoyed doing that for me). She was an intelligent, articulate woman who had a pretty good handle on what was going on in her own head, but she simply could not get past feelings of revulsion about her own genitals. I'm pretty sure that crap was stuck in her head at a very young age by her thoroughly screwed up mother.

Looking back, my main feeling about that aspect of her life is sadness that she was never able to fully accept her own body and freely enjoy something that can be a wonderful part of life and a positive feature of relationships. I also feel some guilt that I was never able to find some magic words or actions that would have helped her to make that leap. Although I also know it was her life, her body and her choice to refuse my suggestions and offers.

I think many women are very messed up about their own sexual pleasure (many guys are also screwed up about sex, but in different ways). Us guys are aware of this thing sticking out in front of us almost from the time we're sufficiently coordinated to grab something, and it's natural for us to fiddle around with that thingie. Eventually, we figure out that messing around with it in a certain way feels nice, and then we figure out how we can do that in a way that feels extremely nice.

Girls are different. Even if they're not indoctrinated by all sorts of subtle and overt messages from the time they're very young that things "down there" are filthy and nasty and should never be touched or even looked at, it takes some effort - or lucky chance - for them to realise that something tucked away "down there" can be a source of pleasant feelings. And it's a fact that, while the male sexual response is really a pretty much mechanical thing, women (and, I assume, girls) are much more affected by what's going on in their heads. Also, even though the clitoris has just as many - if not more - nerve endings than the glans of the penis and they're much more tightly packed, most women require steady stimulation for much longer than guys do in order to reach orgasm.

So your girlfriend is unfortunately far from unique in having reached the age of 20 without having had an orgasm. In fact, I read a survey from a credible source a while back that said between ten and fifteen percent of all adult women say they've _never_ had an orgasm. Shocking and sad.

Women have to learn how to have an orgasm (well, guys do too, but it's so bloody obvious for us that most of us figure it out all on our own at some point during the primary school years, and most of us have forgotten about that fumbling stage). There's no obvious external sign of sexual arousal for women, and they need to learn to recognise the sensations of it, understand what the increasing tension means, and be willing to ride that rising wave past the point where it gets to feeling unbearable and then breaks.

And, yes, my understanding is that it's not unusual for women who have never masturbated to orgasm or even messed around with their clitoris for a prolonged period to confuse the feeling of needing to urinate with the intense sensations as they near an orgasm. If they've spent their entire life doing their best to completely ignore everything they feel "down there" apart from things associated with urination, it's understandable if they get a little confused about what's going on.

While I think it's laudable that you're upset about not being able to give her an orgasm, and I certainly understand your feelings of guilt and maybe even annoyance, I think you need to understand that this is counterproductive. As I've said, a lot of sex for women is in their heads, and if they're feeling pressured to perform in any way, that can kill their mood.

Something else you might want to consider is that most guys are very goal-orientated when it comes to sex. For the arseholes of our sex, their one and only goal is them ejaculating. For guys like you and me, an important goal is the woman having at least one orgasm. But a book I read by a (female) sexuality researcher a while back made the point that women generally aren't like that. Some women do indeed define "good sex" as some sort of sexual activity that results in them having loads of huge orgasms. But other women greatly enjoy the nice sensations of sexual arousal far below the rise that leads to orgasm, being intimate with a guy they love and giving him pleasure; if she has an orgasm, that's just a cherry on top.

You say that she's told you that she's embarrassed to orgasm and the thought of doing that with you makes her feel very vulnerable. I think that's pretty common. I'm not a sex therapist, and if you and she want to get to the bottom of what's going on, that's who you'd need to spend some time with. However, for what it's worth, a suggestion of something you might consider trying:

First, choose your time carefully. You need to both be relaxed, feeling positive about each other and life in general, and under no time pressure because of needing to get a solid night's sleep, head out somewhere or whatever. You need to adjust that goal-oriented algorithm in your head so you don't go into this thinking that you're going to make her come or die trying. You need to accept that it just might not happen and be determined not to be disappointed if it doesn't. You very definitely should not say anything to her about that being your intention. Also, you should not be feeling any urgent need to have an orgasm yourself, and she should be aware of that (so maybe just after you've had sex).

If she finds the idea of having an orgasm in front of you excruciatingly embarrassing, you need to set up a situation where you can't see her (I know that's disappointing, but tiny first steps). A spooning position in a dark room would be ideal. Snuggle up behind her and caress her body, avoiding definitely erogenous areas at the start. Talk to her, but avoid explicitly sexual stuff at the start, and gradually work your way up to that as your hands teasingly sneak up on erogenous areas. She probably has certain areas she particularly likes to be touched, so take your time there, but not too much; the idea is to get her to understand that you like all of her body, not just a few bits.

If she allows you to get your hand near her pussy, at first pretend that's just accidental, and don't let it linger there too long. All through this, you should be paying close attention to how she's responding: any sounds she's making and anything she's saying, how she's moving, what's going on with her breathing. If you get the strong impression that she definitely wants your hand doing thing with her pussy, bear in mind that many women don't masturbate with direct contact on their clitoris. Quivering your hand on the mons (the fatty pad on the pubic bone) with the right tempo and amount of pressure for long enough can be sufficient. If she's in the right frame of mind and you've taken your time and managed to judge your approach right, it could be that if you do that quivering for a bit and take your hand away, she might make it clear that she didn't want you to stop, and you can either tease her a bit more or go for it.

The only problem with all this is her apparent confusion between the sensations at the higher stage of sexual arousal and her needing to pee. If she always uses the toilet to pee after you've had sex and that's when this goes down, then you could try asking if she's sure that's what she's feeling since she's just emptied her bladder. Alternatively, you could promise to change the bed if that happens (and mean it, although it's probably unlikely to actually be necessary).