Really need help with a friend situation

100% Normal

I've had a male friend for many years and we were movie-going, good-restaurant-dining and nature-sights-visiting friends for a long time. Never romantic - him male, me female - both in relationships at the time. When we got closer (both single by that time) after both of us moving to different cities and staying at each other's places I felt really uncomfortable when he started with talks of sexual subjects (they'd never been a conversation topic before!!), I felt he was prying and maybe wanting to have sex with me (?). Maybe not, but I was creeped out.

After our last trip together, to go to a wedding of a friend of his, I basically stopped talking to him, only replying vaguely when he contacted me. Now he's coming to my town and wants to see me. I haven't replied to him yet and feel bad that I actually don't want to see or spend time with him. He's a nice man, cultured and there were good reasons to be friends in the first place but I'm sort of irked now.

I also feel bad that I not only don't want to see him but that I don't want to invite him to stay at my place, like we both have stayed at each other's house a few times in the past.

I feel really guilty. We are both adults and I feel childish for it. At the same time I think I am allowed to have or not have whomever I want in my life. I don't want him in mine anymore. ARRRGH! I really would like some honest and helpful input. Even if you must make a smart ass remark, please offer me some advice along with it? Thanks.

Voting Results

100% Normal

Based on 3 votes

Help us keep this site organized and clean. Thanks!

[ Report Post ]

Comments ( 18 )

CozmoWank

5 years ago

I'm confused...did he make a sexual advance that bothers you or did his sex talk make you loose respect for him?

What did he say that was so bad? Was it something like "yeah I got this girl passed out drunk and starting fucking her in the ass. It was great. Shall I pour us some wine?"?

Comment Hidden ( show )

5

5
- Anonymous Post Author
  
  5 years ago
  
  Thanks for the reply. I'm sorry the post wasn't clear enough, I wrote it in a hurry because I feel I need to reply soon since he messaged yesterday morning! Mainly these two things: he has randomly repeated that he saw no problem in friends fucking each other, while I always said that it is something I don't particularly believe to be possible and feel like it would be having sex with people I think of as siblings or buddies (makes me think of the whole speech on "men and women can't be friends" from When Harry Met Sally); and him wanting to know too much about what had happened between me and an ex whom I decided to meet in the same city we were in for the wedding (where we originally lived) and to whose house I went to after staying with my friend in his house. Did I miss something...? Please, just ask.
  
  Comment Hidden ( show )
  
  0
  
  0
  - CozmoWank
    
    5 years ago
    
    If you've made it clear to him you don't want to discuss it and he has continued then I would say ignore him. Or just tell him you're upset with him because of his persistence and / or prying questions.
    
    It's entirely up to you if you want to continue the friendship or not.
    
    Comment Hidden ( show )
    
    1
    
    1
    - Anonymous Post Author
      
      5 years ago
      
      My wish is to not speak to him again, tbh. He's been a friend I've always had some reservations about, like, he's not funny himself, I have always had to make the both of us laugh (and that is highly important in my life, to make one another laugh); and he is somewhat annoying, adamant and intolerant about some silly things like poorly translated or mispronounced words by foreigners and a little bit on the "I feel superior and you are superior enough to be my friend" type (mind you he is not an English native speaker).
      
      I've learned a lot from him about things that matter to me and that we have in common, such as travel, history, geography, languages, cultures and especially movies, but I'm just put off by the mere idea of seeing him. I can't bring myself to actually tell him that so I can't think of anything other than giving a very poor excuse (like being out of town or something) or just ghosting him - which I find deplorable when it happens in romantic relationships.
      
      Comment Hidden ( show )
      
      0
      
      0
      - McBean
        
        5 years ago
        
        In the long run, he will remember you with the most respect if you text him with what you just said. He will then know exactly what you think and it will give him closure. I think he deserves it. If you think so too, you should say so.
        
        Comment Hidden ( show )
        
        5
        
        5
Boojum

5 years ago

So you don't want to tell him why he's sorta pissed you off and you don't want to just ignore him, but he's a man who's clearly interested in you, and he'll keep assuming everything is cool as long you do nothing to make it bloody obvious that isn't the case.

You want to avoid uncomfortable confrontation and you don't want to upset him, so you just hope he'll read your mind and understand what's going on in there. That's a common way for women to approach such situations, since they're socially conditioned to always want to make people happy, but it's wishful thinking and almost never works with men.

Your interests and his are in conflict; you have to decide which are most important to you. If you'd lose some degree of self-respect by using a phoney excuse or ghosting him, then you have take that into account.

I suggest you tell him bluntly that you don't want to see him again. You don't need to got into details of the less important things about him that bug you (and he'd probably challenge or try to justify them if you did), but you have to tell him that you feel he wants the relationship to move beyond friendship, but that's not what you want, and so being with him makes you feel uncomfortable and you don't want to spend more time with him. Thank him for the good times you've had and for what you've gained from the relationship and wish him well if you want, but make it clear that this isn't open to negotiation. Be prepared for him to try to justify himself and promise that he'll do better in future. If he responds with anything other than expressions of regret and apologies, then you should feel no qualms about blocking him permanently.

Comment Hidden ( show )

3

3
TerriAngel

5 years ago

Put yourself in check.
Honesty is 60% the best policy.
See your friend.
Be what you know he doesn't want.
Talk about other guys etc.
Give him a really crappy B.J.
Tell him you've met a really nice guy.
Tyrone. He's everything you like in a MAN.
n you'd like him to meet him.
He's such a great guy.

Comment Hidden ( show )

0

0
RosaBella612

5 years ago

I know it is really hard but I think you should talk to him about it. Maybe it’s a big misunderstanding?

Comment Hidden ( show )

0

0
Anonymous Post Author

5 years ago

HEEEEEELP!!! I'm still waiting to see what I will do, I haven't had the balls to reply to him yet. It seems I will ghost him, even if I think it's a horrible attitude... I feel like I suck :(

Comment Hidden ( show )

0

0
- factcheck
  
  5 years ago
  
  You don't suck. This isn't an easy situation to be in. But like you said at the end of your post, you're allowed to have or not have whomever you want in your life. That's your choice, and there's no right or wrong reason for why you want or don't want someone in your life.
  
  If you do talk to him to tell him you don't want to see him anymore, how do you think that conversation would go? He's likely going to tell you that you're overreacting, try to apologize for what he did("I'm sorry you were offended" not a real apology), tell you he'll change or tell you that you should get over it...he may even get angry and turn it around on you, telling you that you're not good enough for him or he's better off without you, he may start pointing out all your flaws and tell you how he puts up with all of them so you should do the same with him.
  
  Maybe it won't, maybe he'll be kind and understanding and just let it go, but you have to be prepared for the possibility that the conversation will be really ugly and uncomfortable. Is that something you are willing to go through? Would you be able to hold firm on your decision to cut him out of your life if he's trying to talk you out of it?
  
  If not...if that's not a conversation you want to have...just ghost him. It sounds cruel, but when you consider the alternatives, it's really not. He's not leaving you much of a choice. You don't owe him anything. You can try to keep making excuses for why you can't get together, but it may be a long time - if ever - before he gets the hint. He'll figure it out a lot faster if you stop talking to him.
  
  At some point he may figure out what's going on and ask you directly if you just don't want to be friends or hang out anymore...if he does, you could take that opportunity to simply tell him no if you really want closure. I'd keep it short and sweet, then go back to not responding to anything he says after that. Or just keep not responding to him. Again, that's your right. You have to do what's best for yourself.
  
  Comment Hidden ( show )
  
  2
  
  2
RoseIsabella

5 years ago

I had to dump a male friend for telling me what he wanted to do to me. He cried, but oh well.

Comment Hidden ( show )

0

0
- Anonymous Post Author
  
  5 years ago
  
  Did you tell him directly? How did you do it? (If you read my other replies on this post you might get a better picture).
  
  Comment Hidden ( show )
  
  0
  
  0
  - RoseIsabella
    
    5 years ago
    
    I told him on the telephone that I was very angry with what he had said, and that I needed some space. He did cry, but I held my ground, and told him that the trust was gone. There's more to the story, but that is the basic just of it.
    
    Comment Hidden ( show )
    
    1
    
    1
CozmoWank

5 years ago

When I say ignore him I mean end the friendship. If it has been made clear it makes you uncomfortable and he has continued, do not feel guilty for ending the friendship.

Comment Hidden ( show )

0

0
- Anonymous Post Author
  
  5 years ago
  
  I understand, thanks. But.... I mean, how do you break up with a friend??
  
  Comment Hidden ( show )
  
  0
  
  0
  - CozmoWank
    
    5 years ago
    
    Ignore him or just make up an excuse why you can't get together.
    
    Comment Hidden ( show )
    
    0
    
    0
    - Anonymous Post Author
      
      5 years ago
      
      Okay, I'm just going to take a nap and see what comes out of it. Damn! :S
      
      Comment Hidden ( show )
      
      0
      
      0
    - Anonymous Post Author
      
      5 years ago
      
      I KNOW!!! Those are the only 2 options I could think of but I'm still dwelling on which one might be best. If I make up an excuse I'll still leave it open for future invites. If I ignore, hopefully, he'll get the message and save me the trouble. Late March he phoned to wish me happy birthday and I didn't answer, just texted back to thank him for the call. Then it was his last week and, although I remembered, and I will never forget because it's a national holiday over here, I just kept quiet. Next thing I know he's saying coming to my town again and wants to hang out!
      
      Comment Hidden ( show )
      
      0
      
      0

Are You Normal?

Really need help with a friend situation