Scared of gaining/losing weight

Hey, wanted to check in how you're doin.

I'm completely unqualified to give any sort of advice. I believe you deserve to thank yourself quite a bit for fighting the urge to purge as that road doesn't lead to pretty so much as it does to dead. If you are within a medically healthy weight range I would advise stepping as far away from this aspect of your life as possible. Instead I would attempt meditation, travel in some capacity, introduce a new daily routine of any kind that may help you towards a different goal. Daily exercise even but not to lose weight so much as to build habit, even a single push up a day would do wonders. Another thing to try could be anything that frightens you like telling someone how you really feel or being more forward at social events. All these activities will help you build on the confidence you already have. I'm sure you will in turn find many of your own solutions these are just a few examples. Realistically you can have all the confidence you like at any somewhat healthy weight. And in your case it sounds ironic but I believe the confidence needs to occur Before the weight loss. To feel sexy conditionally on your shape is no way to live anyways. From an outside perspective it appears you have a highly toxic relationsip with your body that is pulling you down, not up. There are answers, but look at the results you're getting emotionally from approaching it in the way you are now. I believe you have built such a negative connotation to both weight gain and loss the best you can do for yourself is remove yourself from this entirely so long as it doesn't pose a medical concern.