So am i god?
I am a very shy, self-conscious young adult male in college. I am plagued with social anxiety. In my case it is a self-conscious anxiety. I am irrationally afraid that I will appear less than perfect to others, especially to those of the opposite sex. Though I find myself to be quite an attractive young man, I have crooked teeth and eczema, both of which I am so ashamed of that I do everything I can to not let others see them. Judging by my appearance alone, one may think that I might have had many lovers, but the truth is that I have never even so much as kissed a girl, much less made love or had a girlfriend. I have next to no real friends and spend most of my time pining away by my lonesome with nothing at all to do. I look forward only to the days that my one good friend and I can smoke weed or trip acid together, the latter of which I can hardly enjoy because it sends me spiraling into a schizoid state of mind, where the boundaries between the true self and material reality dissolve, and I am overcome with the overwhelming thought that I am very different from the rest of humanity. I would elucidate on it further, but I am afraid to even go there. I often sit and think all alone, wondering if my life is truly circumstantial or if I am the one they call God, trapped in eternal 'admiration' of my own creation. On acid I ponder that if a being could be infinitely powerful, he must consider even his own existence a seemingly impossible and unknowable feat. How like a human that sounds... so much like myself. But... it's not like any of that matters. I don't think anyone would care to know what is on my mind. I'm sure they would rather argue the blasphemy of my self-proclamation of Godhood or, if nothing else, assume I am a strange narcissist with absolutely no life at all, which I will admit is probably true. That is, they would likely feel little more than apathy for the concepts I put forward and mostly contempt for my person despite what I would regard as a rich, ineffable substance and deep meaning of both. Anyway, I find it so difficult to communicate. At social gatherings I remain almost entirely silent, wishing—longing that I could find someone, anyone to see beyond that veil of inexactitude, confusion, mortal fear and existential crisis that forever shrouds me. Most of all, I want this to be a beautiful and creatively talented girl—one that I can love both unconditionally in the completely platonic sense of love and also to the absolute fullest extent of my sexual being. I just don't know how or where to start... I must be completely honest. Something is calling me. Be it the 'call of the wild' or whatever, I feel a powerful metaphysical urgency to act that is entirely uncharacteristic of anything I have ever known, and whatever it is, it urges me to be proud and without shame or remorse of what I feel and know to be true. I have to start somewhere, so here it is. This is the truth.