Terrified of money
Money terrifies me. I feel dreadful that it costs money for me to live. And try as I might, I just can't accept it. I spend as little as possible and try not to do things that cost anything. I have formulated my life so that I cost as little as possible but still it's too much. I don't drink, smoke, party, have holidays, buy clothes, have pets, kids and waste money on anything. But still I feel dreadful. I just cannot equate money with happiness, enjoyment or even life and I don't think I will ever enjoy life in any way because of its existence. It's terrifying.
Every time I purchase something at the supermarket, I feel panic and guilty that I am costing money, that the loaf of bread I have just bought has taken money. I grew up feeling guilty for living because my parents drove home how much it was costing them in time and money to have me, which seemed to make their lives full of suffering because of the sacrifices. And I felt horrible for being the source of their suffering because I had to be paid for. So my feelings about money were hammered into me from birth.
I hate it when anyone buys me anything as a present, even if they like doing so, because it has cost them and I feel awful. And now with no income and being unemployable, I'm more terrified than ever and can't cope. Just thinking about money makes me feel faint or want to be sick. I wake up in the middle of the night feeling panic about money and the panic means I can't even begin to formulate a view of life because everything costs money! I think it is my duty to leave the man I love when I run out of money too, even though he doesn't think that's right and would be devastated. But it's right I don't cost him anything. And I can't afford to pay for help therapy and I have no family or friends who could help, not that I would let them because why should anyone? At my lowest points, I can only see ending it as the only solution I have.