Terrified of money

26% Normal
18 Comments

Money terrifies me. I feel dreadful that it costs money for me to live. And try as I might, I just can't accept it. I spend as little as possible and try not to do things that cost anything. I have formulated my life so that I cost as little as possible but still it's too much. I don't drink, smoke, party, have holidays, buy clothes, have pets, kids and waste money on anything. But still I feel dreadful. I just cannot equate money with happiness, enjoyment or even life and I don't think I will ever enjoy life in any way because of its existence. It's terrifying.

Every time I purchase something at the supermarket, I feel panic and guilty that I am costing money, that the loaf of bread I have just bought has taken money. I grew up feeling guilty for living because my parents drove home how much it was costing them in time and money to have me, which seemed to make their lives full of suffering because of the sacrifices. And I felt horrible for being the source of their suffering because I had to be paid for. So my feelings about money were hammered into me from birth.

I hate it when anyone buys me anything as a present, even if they like doing so, because it has cost them and I feel awful. And now with no income and being unemployable, I'm more terrified than ever and can't cope. Just thinking about money makes me feel faint or want to be sick. I wake up in the middle of the night feeling panic about money and the panic means I can't even begin to formulate a view of life because everything costs money! I think it is my duty to leave the man I love when I run out of money too, even though he doesn't think that's right and would be devastated. But it's right I don't cost him anything. And I can't afford to pay for help therapy and I have no family or friends who could help, not that I would let them because why should anyone? At my lowest points, I can only see ending it as the only solution I have.

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26% Normal
Based on 68 votes (18 yes)
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Comments ( 18 )
  • VoiceOfLuna
    10 years ago

    I used to feel kinda like this. I had severe depression and anxiety. I used to be dependent on others' money to live, even many years into my adulthood. I put financial burden on my parents, my spouse, his family, because my low self-esteem and fears made it very hard to find the courage and motivation to finish college, find work, etc.

    Building confidence is a very large part of being able to survive at least somewhat independently. It does not seem you are happy simply being taken care of and using your loved ones' money. It also seems to me your upbringing did not allow you to develop the confidence you need. Being brought up to believe your existence is a waste does not empower you to succeed later in life.

    But rest assured, you are worthy of being alive. You just need to figure that out for yourself. Even if you don't end up working right away, or ever, why not take up a creative hobby? You can produce things that others derive enjoyment from, whether it's art, writing, cooking, etc. That produces worth that is not monetary, but still just as important.

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    • Anonymous Post Author
      10 years ago

      Thankyou for your kind words and understanding and it is true that my upbringing paralysed me at a very deep level because I was always made to feel worthless and nothing was seen as right, but my "mistakes" were apparently all I could manage! My partner found the letters they wrote to me almost unbelievably cruel, such was the verbal abuse and lack of feeling to me. You can't flick a switch in the head to overcome such things, just like with depression, which I do have, very deep after such a long time of that and ill luck with employment. Survival be=gins to feel impossible to achieve. I try to be creative at times but that feels like a waste to since it does not solve the problem, though I would suggest exactly what you have to another person, such is low self worth I guess...

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  • RoseIsabella
    10 years ago

    Oops... I misread this one; I thought it said terrified of monkey.

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  • TheAnarkyOfLife
    10 years ago

    Scared of the thought of money?
    Not a bad thing.
    We shouldn't have currency then the homeless would be homed and the rich tyrants to fall. We really need a new system.

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  • Anonymous Post Author
    10 years ago

    I've been for dozens of interviews at shit establishments and not been offered work. I've been sacked from many for health issues the doctors can't solve but aren't deemed "official" so get no help or even recognition- but they are enough to get sacked with through no fault of mine. Inheritance was a pittance and lower than living on social and once it runs out, I have literally nothing, which is very very soon.

    I did not choose to live on social or be unemployed. I have lived as frugally as possible so I was not sapping off the state unnecessarily. I could have chosen to have kids so the state would give me money like some do but there's no integrity or moral in that. I paid my parents for rental anytime I visited and worked taxi driving to do so when they were alive. I took no student loans, just the basic grant money I was eligible for and never socialised like others so I didn't run a debt on loans. I do not live on credit and have ensured that by measures such as what I have mentioned. I worked hard for qualifications and still, nobody wants to employ me so please stop being such a judgemental idiot who has no idea what they are talking about.

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    • youareaghost
      10 years ago

      I read the first few sentences and that was all I could bear.

      Did you ever consider that you are psychosomatic?

      Dozens is not enough. 1-4 interviews a year for 17 years...YOU'RE NOT ACTUALLY TRYING. And if I were you, I wouldn't call any establishment a "shit establishment". After all, you claim you can't even offer enough value for those "shit establishment(s)" to hire you.

      Get real, lady. You make choices everyday. The choices you made 5 years created your reality TODAY.

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      • Anonymous Post Author
        10 years ago

        I don't mean "dozens" literally you idiot. It's a figure of speech. Try "countless" if that suits you better because it's the truth.

        You might consider finding out what the health problems are first before making such wild judgements and playing shrink. The health problems are physical, have physical manifestations (blood streaming down my legs and getting onto chairs and carpets + messing up my clothes right through because of uncontrollable periods that arrive any time of day and night with no timetable like most if you really must know). The doctors can't do a thing about it (spent years trying) and employers don't want it (who can blame them?. That's not something anyone can control, not even someone otherwise perfectly OK for work. But it causes major survival issues re money and that's what's terrifying.

        That's what makes me unemployable in today's world. So don't try and play shrink with me when it's nothing to do with my mind. We're not all perfect you know. You might like to think on this but I doubt you can see it for real as you apparently prefer to judge without all the facts.

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  • youareaghost
    10 years ago

    Get fucking real. You are an adult now. If you are allegedly "unemployable"...how do you even have any money for groceries? Who is feeding you? Where are you living? Where did you get your handy computer?

    Money isn't the problem. Your lack of self worth is.

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    • Anonymous Post Author
      10 years ago

      A bit of legacy money, that's where I got it. Literally, I have no money once this is gone and i am not somebody who sits here with thousands saying I am poor either, like some. This is real so don't judge where you don't know the reality. I've had no employment since 1997 and was on social security because nobody would employ me. And I pay my way, I do not allow my partner to. It's called fairness to him and having some integrity.

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      • youareaghost
        10 years ago

        I don't think you're living in reality. Most people don't have inheritances. Living off the government, and have integrity...haha okay, right. Seventeen years without employment? Have you never been to a Mcdonalds? Just because you don't want to work doesn't mean there isn't work for you to do.

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  • thegypsysailor
    10 years ago

    There are some places where money isn't used, such as Palmerston Island.
    Move to one of them.

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    • Anonymous Post Author
      10 years ago

      Sounds interesting. How does it work because I can't see how here in the west we can survive with no income or one that allows a person to do such things to start with like buy the place or whatever is involved.

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      • thegypsysailor
        10 years ago

        Like anywhere, you have to contribute something; catching fish, growing fruit/veges/making bread. Then those who wish what you have, trade their products for yours and no money changes hands.
        But if you don't contribute, you'll not be getting government support in places like this.
        But, honestly, in this day and age, I can't see why you can't get an online education that would allow you to earn some kind of income from the internet.
        Of course, if you actually have money now, and you are depleting the principle with daily living expenses, you have not thought things through very well. Look into annuities; a lifetime, safe, guaranteed income.
        You've got a computer; research. As an adult all this should already be things you are looking into, without having to come on here and get the info from us.

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        • Anonymous Post Author
          10 years ago

          I've tried the online stuff- lost a load of money on several that turned out to be scams. Other online things quite honestly, I do not understand and have no way of knowing if the opportunities are genuine or not anyway or yet more scams. I can't afford any more mistakes. Computer marketing stuff doesn't make sense to everyone that's why some do OK and others don't. And paying for financial advice was never an option I could afford and anyway, this is always biased because the advisor is earning commission on his sale to you so it can't be trusted. Most are just out to leech you.

          In any case, the Palmerston Island stuff sounds interesting and something like that might remove the terror around money that I have and that has arisen from a poison of being made to feel guilty for costing money, bad health and dreadful luck over employment over which I have no control and which I now can't deal with after years of it, hence my reason for the post.

          Is there a place you recommend I can look up the way it works and how people start if they can't buy land to start on?

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          • thegypsysailor
            10 years ago

            Try the bbc online.I just read a good article on there.
            Annuities; check them out.

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            • Anonymous Post Author
              10 years ago

              Thankyou!

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  • Short4Words
    10 years ago

    You know these thoughts aren't rational right?

    You don't need to end it. I know how you feel, I'm also at the mercy of an illegitimate mind. It's bullshit though. Money is important, but it's not that important. You can not equate a human life with money because you and every other person is worth so much more. I'm sorry that your parents taught you differently and now have burdened you with all this unnecessary guilt. I'm not a licensed therapist, nor do I have a degree or any training whatsoever but I encourage you to try seeing it this way. When someone gives you a gift, it's not just them spending money on you, they are trying to share a moment with you, if you take that present gladly and smile and enjoy it, than you have paid them. You have paid them with love and respect and gratefulness. And your partner, why does he do these things for you? Because you give him the love he needs, I'm sure you make him very happy, and for now that should be enough.

    I'm sorry you think you are a waste of everyones time but you have people that love you and the worse thing you can do is shut them out in your time of need, and maybe one day, if it makes you feel better thinking about it, you can be there for them.

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    • Anonymous Post Author
      10 years ago

      I grew up with no understanding that moments with me were anything but a nuisance so to relieve their burden, I would at times stay away so they could do more important things. It is something I struggle with and I cannot see myself as in any way important unless I am not costing money. i know its BS and I would never see another person that way. I'm not sure I will ever get around it and with the severe problems i have had over employment mentioned elsewhere here, it feels impossible and is a survival threat to boot, so a living nightmare actually.

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