The least gay option

I've been thinking a lot recently about what's gay, and how we can potentially minimize it in ourselves.

First, I came to the conclusion that eating is probably gay - I mean, you're putting things (potentially phallic in shape) into your mouth and swallowing. If you really want to get your nutrients in a way that minimizes any potentially homosexual displays that you are being forced to engage in due to your metabolic needs, you should probably just swallow food in capsule form, if not acquire nutrients intravenously.

I've been thinking about how mind-body dualism, if true, would lead one to some rather gay conclusions. I mean, just existing would, in a way, be sort of gay if it happened to be true - you, that being your mind, would be inside the body of a man 24/7. That's some pretty gay shit! You can't tell me that being inside of a man isn't gay on some level, which leads me to...

The idea that it would be less gay if you could upload your consciousness into a computer. This would totally nix your need for nutrients, thus negating the whole "is it gay to put things in your mouth?" deal, and being a disembodied consciousness in a computer would ensure that you never sit in an odd fashion, due to not having limbs or a corporeal form that would allow you to sit cross-legged or whatever.

What's wrong with this, you ask? What if you get booted-up by a man? Doesn't that basically mean that a man "turned you on?" That sounds pretty gay, if you ask me, which means that ideally, you'd have to go beyond being a disembodied consciousness stored in a computer somewhere. Becoming God wouldn't help, because you'd be forced to watch naked guys in the shower, so you'd pretty much have to stop existing or some shit.

I don't know. Any pointers on how to be less gay?