The way things used to be

Things were never from the 1920s or some history of rare people, that's fiction. The way things used to be was that I was a kid, a normal kid, under the spell of undiagnosed problems, that's the way it was, but this isn't my childhood anymore so much as my youth, because my maturity started 11 years ago and pessimism 12 years ago, yet the whole world makes some truths about me, e.g. shenanigans, that I can do what I want, that I should be responsible for it.
My parents are living in this childish world of me being 6 years old and aren't adapting to my adulthood, e.g. that I'm not a boy or child anymore but a man and an adult. The past has an influence on inaccurate assumptions you have about people, it's called first impressions, I simply want the first impression of my 27-year-old identity, not the first impression of evil outside of what I believe. There's no proof for a God so my assumption is to decide God or the lack of it is a mystery. I think God exists, I think it's knowable, but instead of being given the truth I'm being given defending an identity that can disrupt my peace simply because of what I am, given my survival instead of the truth, and one doesn't "choose" survival above the truth, they do it to be loved for the way they are.
I didn't sit there and decide "hmmm, antitheism is true, so I decide on the truth with the death of the Puritan", it's not that easy, I have to stay at a regular pace for a long time. So the way things used to be is this identity and persisting despite pain, difficulty, distress and opposition.