Was it abuse or am i tripping

7 Comments

I have been trying to figure this out for years now.
I was 14 he was 16/17, which is not a big gap but at that age it becomes pretty noticeable, because u look for different things in a relationship.
I think he didn't actually did it on purpose, but he always kept kissing and touching me. I never told him to stop bc i was his "partner" and i thought it was what i was supposed to do, even if i hated it. I was disgusted, since our first kiss i never wanted to see him again and the thought of having to go see him gave me a lot of anxiety to the point of skipping school cause i know he would kiss me and stuff. It made me nauseous. He always talked about sexual stuff and indirectly made me panic thinking we were gonna have to do it.
I never told him directly that all of that made me extremly uncomfortable... but i still think my actions spoke louder than anything else.
Would that count as sexual abuse/harrassment? I know there is other people that have it way worse, i am just trying to understand what happened.
(it's something that, somehow still has a grip on me even tho im almost 20 now. Haven't had any relationship since not specifically and exclusively bc of this but, there is a part of me that it's terrified of this happening again)

Honestly Idk 6
Yes it was 5
Nah not really 5
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Comments ( 7 )
  • techpc
    2 years ago | pl

    Eh. Sounds like he was a sleazy high school guy, which there are many of.

    I'm not sure you can call it sexual assault/whatever, because it really depends if you made it clear through body language or anything other than just skipping school sometimes.

    It sounds like it was a terrible experience for you, and I'm sorry that you had to go through that. Him not legally being in the wrong does not invalidate your feelings toward what happened.

    Him not legally being in the wrong also does not excuse him from trying to take advantage of an inexperienced 14-year-old girl when he's 17. Basically, fuck that guy(not literally) and maybe look into therapy for this.

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  • hauntedbysandwiches
    2 years ago

    I don't know exactly what he said and what you said but it seems like more an unfortunate circumstance rather than abuse because you never told him you didn't like it. If you however did tell him to stop or pulled away from him and made it obvious and he kept going that would be abuse.

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  • Anonymous Post Author
    2 years ago

    You all are very nice 🥺 thank you for the help

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  • RoseIsabella
    2 years ago

    You said you were his, "partner", how did you end up as this jerk's partner? It's okay for you to say no to people. I feel like I commented on this before, but maybe I'm wrong. Anyway, I'm back again reading your post, and it just sounds so awful.

    I guess I'm thinking either this guy was a moron who couldn't tell that you were horrified, or he was a shitty person who just didn't care. I think the moment someone can tell that someone else isn't interested that they ought to back the hell off. I think gold standard shouldn't be some horny pervert moving forward until he hears no, but instead a person not making a move until they hear a yes. Consent really is everything.

    I'm sorry if I said something kinda lame earlier. I dunno why, but I feel like I already responded to this post.

    Have you ever taken a self defense course? I think it would do you a world of good to take a course on self defense, and assertiveness!

    I used to know a woman who some weird stuff who told me that one thing that had always worked for her to get someone off her was that she would say she was going to vomit. Don't be afraid to vomit on someone who won't leave you alone.

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    • Anonymous Post Author
      2 years ago

      I was young and impressionable and idk... i guess since all my friends thought i was the coolest cause that "older handsome guy" wanted me i thought i should live up to their expectations so we started dating. It all went downhill after that.

      And you are right, consent is everything. Even if u are together u should ask for consent or at least make sure the other person wants it too. Saying no is scary sometimes, especially when i was younger.
      This has left a mark on me to some extent bc i still am not able to say no to people bc i turned out to be a people pleaser cause i cant handle conflict. I gotta work on that.

      Thankyou for your words u really made me feel validated 🥺

      And maybe i will try those self defense courses :] thankyou

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      • RoseIsabella
        2 years ago

        You're very welcome, dear heart! I also think you should checkout a twelve step program called Codependents Anonymous, CoDA.

        https://coda.org/

        There's also an excellent, classic book on Codependency called Codependent No More by Melody Beattie.

        I wish you all the best in your continued recovery!

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  • idolomantis
    2 years ago

    This was likely a form of abuse, absolutely. Possibly harassment or maybe just toxic behavior…But what ultimately matters is how you perceive it, since you are the one who must heal from it so that you can continue living your life. Memories of past trauma is a terrible burden to bear.

    I have seen this same story play out time and time again with my friends throughout my life, ESPECIALLY in middle school and early high school. So around the time it started for you. I’m sorry that you went through that.

    There could be many reasons that he did this to you, but it -definitely- wasn’t your fault. He might’ve been mentally ill, on drugs, confused, socially inept, you name it. Who knows.

    Something that I have seen happen is that many abusive relationships start out “innocent” and then slowly shift towards being more “toxic”…until eventually it’s just abuse. Abuse takes many forms (sexual, emotional, psychological, even social.) though they often occur together as well.

    You definitely aren’t tripping and I’m really sorry that happened to you. PLEASE don’t ever let someone make you feel like you owe them something.

    If you need somebody to talk to feel free to send me a message. Again, you’re not tripping, and I’m sorry you went through that. Please take care of yourself

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