What can i do to ease my mind over this subject?
WARNING: long post ahead!
So tomorrow my family is going to, not exactly a funeral but more of a gathering, for my uncle who died last month. I didn’t know him very well, but it’s reminding me of my own fears and worries about death. I’m probably what you would call an agnostic: I don’t know if there’s a God or an afterlife, and I don’t pretend to know. At least, not to myself, but for my own social safety I need to pretend that I’m a Christian in real life (luckily I can be a bit more secretive online). Even though my family is nice to me, they believe wholeheartedly in Heaven and Hell, and even so much as doubting God’s existence is enough to worry them (infact my mom always tells my sisters that they should marry a Christian boy, if they ever do marry).
But here’s the core of the problem: it’s really scary not knowing. The fact of the matter is, I will die someday, and so will everyone else that I know. I really don’t want to die without having my mind made up, according to some that would make me for sure going to Hell! And I’ve thought a lot about hell, which in all honesty was the only reason I ever was a Christian, because I was so scared of it. But looking at it objectively, if such a place does exist, I’d almost intentionally go there out of protest of such an unfair justice system!
But I’m especially terrified of there being no afterlife. It’s really a hard concept to explain, but just simply being gone, without any form of consciousness whatsoever, it’s just beyond comprehension. Sometimes I feel like I would rather go to Hell than experience this. But in a weird way it kind of motivates me. It really makes me treat this life the best I can, just in case it’s the only one I have.
But I figure that if any of this Heaven and Hell, Angels and Demons, stuff is real, it’s probably more complex than we think. Like, you probably have an image in your head of what an angel or demon looks like, and I’d assume they could take that form if they wanted, but that how they really are is probably beyond human comprehension.
But I’ve said a lot already. Everyone has their own opinions on these sorts of things, but basically what I want is to be ready for death. I know it’s highly unlikely for someone as young as me (19, soon to be 20) to die soon, but that doesn’t mean that it’s impossible. I’m probably going to get a variety of answers, if anyone bothered to read all this, but I’m thankful for anyone who wanted to help.