What do you think of this short-story that i have written?

What do you think of my writing? All the constructive-criticism/reviews are welcome.

I awoke standing up in a very strange room. The first thing I noticed was that the room was completely barren except for a few tubes, one of which I had just walked out of. It hit me like a ton of bricks, I have no idea how I got here. I rushed to the window to see if I recognized anything but what I saw terrified me. There were huge shiny beings flying around all over the sky. While I was standing by the window petrified I was unable to hear something walk up behind me until it puts its hand on my shoulder. I spun around so fast that I nearly fell on my face when I saw what had touched me. It was a mutant that had one eye and a large claw for one of its hands.

In a feminine voice this thing said, “Welcome, put out your hand.” Too scared to think straight, I put my hand out and she (I think it was a she) tried to pinch me with her large pointed claw. At this point I regained control of my body and I shoved her out of my way and ran, but she stayed close in pursuit. In my panic I ran into a pole and I fell back as my eyes went fuzzy. As my eyes were going back to normal, I looked up and saw that I had not run into a pole, but had actually run into a metallic humanoid. Outraged, the metallic humanoid started to advance on me while I was sliding backwards from it in terror, trying to get my clumsy feet to get up and run once more. Just as I managed to slide onto my hands and knees I saw the mutant come around the corner of a building and call out that I should be apprehended. Then I ran and ran until I was so tired that slumped into the door of a random building and passed out.

The next thing I remember was being shaken awake by and old man with very thick glasses. “Are you alright?” he asked, “you look like crap.” I told this strange man all about what happened to me and how I was so confused. He offered me a job as a delivery boy for his company which I accepted in hopes that I can live a normal life in a world of monsters. On my way to the company doctor the old man told me that after my physical I will meet the rest of the crew. What the old man did not say, however, is that the doctor was a large lobster like creature with tentacles on its face. Upon seeing this I collapsed once more for my heart couldn’t take it any longer.

All this happened months ago and now the mutant, robot, and lobster are my co-workers in my nephew’s business Planet Express, as it turns out the old man is my nephew somehow seems legit. Whenever the Professor has “Good news” the one eyed mutant, the robot and I have to deliver packages on extremely dangerous missions. My name is Nathan S. Anderson and I was cryogenically frozen in the year 2000 and was unfrozen one thousand years later.

Brilliant 1
Not bad 6
Average 10
I nearly died of heart-attack 1
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Comments ( 6 )
  • Anime7

    You pretty much just wrote out the first episode of Futurama and even stated that that's what it was.

    That being said, and I'm actually angry because this story wasn't original, the writing needs work. Try describing the scenery better and try to portray the character as more menacing, since assuming that that's the tone you were tying to go with when writing this.

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  • anti-hero

    No offense to you, but why did my short story not pass mod? Pisses me off!

    I think yours is good.

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  • Avant-Garde

    It had potential, but then you turned it into Futurama. If you plan on getting this story published you need to make it more original otherwise, you'll probably be sued for plagiarism.

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  • cigs

    Its not that bad of a short story.

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  • KeddersPrincess

    I liked the originality and I think you have a great plotline going.

    I chose "not bad" because, although I thought the story sounded fun, I felt like there were a couple of places that could use more description such as describing the mutant that the main character saw and creating more imagery on the place. I would also like to see more into the characters feelings and thoughts.

    Overall, I thought it was pretty well written, there were a couple of places that needed commas, but I'm not to well with commas and grammer myself so I won't grade it for that. But I thought it was pretty good.

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  • FionnaCakeFan

    Nice, but it's so long that I got dizzy...

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