Where is my relationship with my brother headed now?

5 Comments

My brother has a new boyfriend and since getting this boyfriend, the trust in my relationship with him has disappeared. We are both in our thirties; he lives with our parents and I come and visit from time to time. Our family relational system under our parents has always been characterised by narcissistic-codependent patterns to a greater or lesser degree; it's pretty 'textbook'. But his complicitness with me has eroded since the start of this new relationship. He has started to be mean to me for inexplicable reasons, and he will will join our parents in berating me even when it's clear that they are being completely unreasonable.

Now, the backstory. My brother knows that I do not understand same sex relationships to be something that pleases God (Christian God) and that I would personally rather he didn't have a boyfriend. We had that conversation a long time ago when we were teens and he first talked to me about his sexuality. It had been a heartfelt, vulnerable conversation and it had ended in mutual respect and "thank you". Since then he has heard me say time and time again that I have heard him, and that I accept him because he is my brother, and that I've got his back. I never presented as an 'enemy' to him before - even moreso because I admitted my own experiences of same-sex infatuations to him. For a long time I was the only person he'd told, and I know that our (non-religious) parents aren't even willing to hear him and take him seriously. In fact, our father has directed deliberately offensive words at him about gay people to try and 'put him off', in the same way as he once bullied him out of his curiosity about Christian faith.

The problem for me personally is that since getting his new boyfriend my brother has started speaking to me unkindly (e.g. telling me to be quiet because he can't hear the TV in an unnecessarily cutting way, with an insult attached), stoking disagreement between my parents and I, and getting our parents to agree with his story (he is the 'golden child' in Mum's eyes; I have been the scapegoat for as long as I can remember), generally not having anything nice or friendly to say to me, and being uncharacteristically mean. Not just blunt or unsmiling, but passive aggressive and cutting. He has a lot of charm and he seems to switch it on and off. He seems to use me to vent negative emotions more than he used to.

I just want my old brother back. The one who was vulnerable with me, who complicitly agreed with me that our home life was dysfunctional and that our parents' behaviour was out of order, and who would never take their side against me in one of their senseless tirades over something I was supposed to have done. The one with whom I used to be able to have deep conversations in good faith and he didn't get defensive or try to use my words against me. In short, he is becoming just like our parents when they're 'acting up'. I feel like I can never quite trust him not to betray me to them.

Why is this happening? He has had boyfriends and male love interests before and he didn't turn on me like this. Could it be that his boyfriend is encouraging him to hate me because of my beliefs about gay relationships and God? And irrespective of why it's happening, what should I do about this breaking-down relationship, while remaining true to my own self and values? Why is my brother becoming this kind of person to me? He knows that I have never turned against him, that I know what it is like to be strongly and almost exclusively attracted to members of the same sex, and that I have cared for him greatly before and after knowing his life choices.

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Comments ( 5 )
  • harkosv
    2 years ago

    If your brother has changed and began mistreating you as a direct result of his current boyfriend's influence on him then you might have a point--maybe he shouldn't be dating that guy. But how do you confirm that's the reason for it and not something else like stress at work or a depressive slump or something

    It might even be a delayed reaction from your heart-to-heart. If a family member started a conversation with me and suggested that God doesn't love me or loves me less than he loves others because of something I have no control over, I could see trying to be civil and understanding during the conversation but having that seed grow and fester over time. His mistreatment of you currently might be a delayed response of him feeling like "Hey, that one time my sibling implied God doesn't love me because I'm attracted to men was pretty fucking shitty" and getting "revenge" after the fact

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    • Anonymous Post Author
      2 years ago

      Thank you so much for your long and respectful reply. These solutions certainly sound plausible. 💙

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  • kelili
    2 years ago

    Maybe he resent you because he knows what you think about his relationship. Maybe the problem is you. He cannot be close to you and confide in you because he knows that even if you do not say anything bad you are judging him.
    This won't change until you learn that people are not you and your views of what is moral and immoral is very personal.
    Talk to him and tell him how you feel. It's the only way to know what is going on and to know how you can change things.

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    • Anonymous Post Author
      2 years ago

      We have already established the understanding between the two of us that we do disagree on right and wrong. It was never a question of either of us playing 'moral police' on the other. You just always want what you believe to be the best thing for your family, because you care.

      Our differences never drove a wedge between us before, when he was dating other men. We are both bisexual; I didn't like his life choices and he didn't like mine but we acknowledged and respected each other's feelings before. It wasn't easy for either of us, not least when I came home with a crush on a girl I couldn't let myself have because she was a girl, and he couldn't empathise. But we did it.

      For a long time, I was the only family member he could trust to listen to him without either writing him off or trying to gaslight him out of his reality perception. He abused it to a certain extent too - lashing out at me verbally with his negative emotions like a sort of punchbag, expecting me to be available to take a next load over Facebook Messenger, whenever he wanted, as if I was a sort of 'sympathy dispenser', and if I couldn't take it, I had failed. It was as if he was fighting to prove himself to be 'beyond help' - no matter what I said, he poo-pooed it or found some imagined insult against him in it, and he would respond in outrage. Sometimes I sometimes wondered if I represented God to him, as he was railing against me about every hated and painful thing he knew, with a sort of 'Now, how are you going to answer to THAT?'. After a while, I stopped being able to take it and told him that I would be willing to listen when he was willing to respect that I am a human and that I have limits. I don't think our relationship ever recovered after that low.

      Now his trust in me has eroded to such a point that we barely speak, and he sometimes addresses me with harsh, cutting things when we do. I feel like I have crucified myself for my brother over the years, both before and after I knew he was bisexual like I am. And yet, if he does something nice for me these days, I can't help but wonder 'What does he want?'.

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      • kelili
        2 years ago

        But you cannot do anything more about this. You have put boundaries and he is hurt because you no longer allow him to use you as a punchbag (to use your word). This is what happens when you decide to not be disrespected. Tell him that how his manners are affecting you and if nothing change then maybe you should try not to have any relationship with him. Yes, he's your brother but sometimes family is toxic too.

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