Why cant i love him
I have met a man who is everything i've needed for ages.
He has no problem with me being demisexual, he is on the autism spectrum like me, he wants to spend a lot of time with me but doesnt mind when I need space, he is passionate about something, he takes commitment very seriously and he is so kind and he gives me cute random little gifts and remembers everything I tell him.
Sure there are downsides to him as well but i'm trying not to focus on those because I have a tendency to see the worst in people.
I am wondering if it's because of my depression I cant feel anything for him. Now we have dated over 2 months and nothing has changed for me. I feel very ungreatful and i'm afraid if I let him go i'll never find someone who fits me so well. I can tell him anything and I rarely, if ever, feel that way about someone. It's kind of scary though because i'm a private person and I feel uncomfortable about someone knowing me too well and that he will figure out better ways to hurt me the more he knows. I dont like that he offers to give me emotional support sometimes either because you shouldnt depend on anyone in life. My ex was supportive from the beginning and a gentleman until he started showing his true colors and got increasingly abusive. That went on and off for YEARS because he refused to let me go, until when he found a new one and ghosted me after having been a constant part of my life and never let me move on if I tried. I loved him, it was all very complicated. I was brainwashed and I still have the urge to excuse his behaviour and I still feel that he's the only one who's treated me the way I deserve. When I meet a man now who treats me like a gentleman the only thing that happens is I get flashbacks to my ex and I get a lot of mixed emotions and very bad anxiety and then I feel angry for some reason and I withdraw and want to be alone because I feel very upset.
I dont know why this always happens nowadays and I can not fall in love anymore unless it's a celebrity or something because something is wwrong with me. I feel disconnected from everyone and sometimes I dont feel like anything is real