Why don't i have any friends?
Reality hit me hard and I finally realize I don't have any real friends, or at least friends who I actually hung out with outside of school. No real connections with other people and it hurts. Besides the people who I thought were "friends" would eventually drift apart from me as if I never existed. Like, I'll try to re-connect by saying hi to them in the hallways, but of course they don't even give AF (judging by the cold/detached response I get from them). Although when their other friends say hi to them, they get all excited. I mean, I understand if I'm just not one of their good friends, hence the lack of excitement. But still, it hurts to see that I'm not important in their eyes. To me we're friends, but to them I'm like nothing. So if I were to ever die it would be akin to stepping on an ant on the sidewalk and not caring about it in the slightest. Or like, they just see me as another person walking down the streets. In other words, there's no real connection whatsoever.
I also hate the fact how the friendships I did made in the past always tend to be one-sided, as in... it's always me who makes the first move. It's always me who says hi. It's always me who calls them to hang out only to get turned down. It's always me who supports them during their dark times. But sadly it's rarely the other way around. Like, why can't there be one day (just ONE day!) of them doing the same for me first? It hurts so much to feel neglected and unsupported by others all the time. Like, what's the point of living if no one's there for you?
Because of this, I feel like an outcast in today's society. The fact that I so happen to be gay further fuels the negative feelings. Heck I don't even have a boyfriend yet to fill the empty void in my heart. A boyfriend would've cured all my loneliness and I won't even need friends anymore. Come to think of it... a loving boyfriend is all I need. Someone who could love me and stand by my side at my darkest moments... which is pretty much every night as I hopelessly lye in bed feeling lonely as usual. Although having friends would've helped so much.