Women, how would you react if your boyfriend wanted to get a paternity test

I would be a little offended, because I'm not a cheater, but I wouldn't have a problem with a paternity test, because I have nothing to hide.

I never feel sorry for other chicks who sleep around so much that they don't know who the father is, and I never will feel sorry for them, because they are the cause of their problems.

If I could have kids I'd be happy to let it be done. 1 if you say no he's going to be suspicious. 2 I'm loyal to my man and if he wants that reassurance before attaching his life to our child than by all means he absolutely can.

I would consider it a red flag of his controlling personality and lack of trust, but that is for me as i'm not even a person who cares about sex much or even feels a need for it unless i'm in a very commited relationship. So if a man I was in a longterm commited relationship with demanded that it would make no sense if he knew me at all, hence I would consider it a red flag. I've met very insecure men before and they're extremely controlling, get jealous if you see a friend or do anything at all no matter what that doesn't include them. Yet they're usually the least trustworthy types, since they tend to cheat as a way to get validation due to being so insecure and to have backups because they're convinced you're going to dump him eventually and he's too weak to be alone. So I would dump any guy who asked me this, if I ever got as far with a such man that i'd let myself be impregnated with a child in the first place. Yuck

Seems a little dehumanizing of you to reduce a child's entire existence to monetary loss. Like, I understand that it would be a major shock, maybe even devastating to learn that your own child isn't biologically your own, but to immediately flip gears and no longer regard them as this family member who you've raised and loved for years and start viewing them as nothing more than a sum of lost wages is kind of fucked up. If anything, I'd "disown" my partner for cheating and lying to me before I disowned a completely innocent kid

You even thinking about asking fora paternity test without having any proof or even suspicion she cheated makes me mad.

It gets two points across to a woman: 1. She is a slut. Or 2. She is a cheater/liar and can't be trusted.

Do so at your own risk. But be forewarned, she will never look at you or think about you the same way again. She may even think you are a deadbeat dad and looking for any way to get out of her life and ths child's life.

I would let him have his test and then divorce and claim alimony just after.

And worse still, what if yers later your child found out you made this dumb request. The child could be upset or hurt that you ever thought of denying him or that you thought badly of his/her mom. The child maybe woukd want nothing to do with you.

I'm not sure I'd be so certain about that, but I can see why you'd think that. I do agree though that men do generally have less rights when it comes to parenthood and that is something that needs to change.

so apparently 99% of women get offended easily as hell
yeah im staying single

My question would be, if he doesn't trust me, why is he even with me, let alone planning a baby with me? I get people can be deceiving, but I'd like to think anyone I was with would have more trust and faith in me than that, especially if we were serious enough to be having a kid together.

I understand it, the child came out of me I know 100% it's mine, short of a hospital mix up there is no question.

That's not true with a guy. If pregnancy was an exact sience where you could pin point a day and hour of conception, then that would be a different situation.

Look at it from the opposite side. If your husband/boyfriend came and told you sometime in the last two months I got pregnant, with no reason to believe he was cheating would you accept it blindly.

Hell, I got upset at my boyfriend for wanting to post a picture online of him getting a gift of a game called "You Are Not the Father" by Maury. Just please don't go there.

Exactly! Being offended is understandable but if anything they should be happy to prove the guys distrust is misplaced. Imagine thinking your partner cheated on you then find out the child is in fact yours that would eliminate so many fears and only strengthen the relationship. But if you say no even if you've been nothing but loyal rhe seeds of doubt will be planted in a very fertile patch of soil.

It's not a deal breaker, it would just make me worry about the level of trust in the relationship, and like I said, I don't believe relationships can work without trust. It's not a good sign to me, that's all. I'm sure it's also highly dependent on the situation.

My mind wouldn't change if the genders were reversed.

I think who initiates the paternity test depends on the relationship and whether or not they even want to go that route. That's something that should be decided between them. People can do what they want, that is not my choice.

My initial response was only myself hypothetically putting myself into the situation and explaining what my thoughts would be if I were approached with this, as that was the OP's question. I'm not interested in being in a relationship with anyone as it is, but would personally not want to be in one that lacks trust. No, trust doesn't mean someone can't betray you, but you have to use your judgment and weigh your costs and benefits in life, and to me the cost of a distrustful relationship in which one or both people are expected to prove their innocence without there being any evidence that anything has happened would not be worth it to me, when being single is so much more peaceful. In the majority of cases and based off of what I have seen and experienced, mistrust in a partner over fidelity doesn't just show up in one request and then get swept under the rug after innocence is proven; most of the time, they need constant reassurance that you're not cheating on them, and that makes for an unhealthy and dysfunctional relationship. I would never be in a relationship like that again (though I don't plan to be in another one of any kind again at all). That is what works for me. What works for you and others may be different, and that's okay.

Honestly, do whatever makes you feel most comfortable. I don't have anything against it, I was only explaining my viewpoint for if I was someone in this situation. It isn't even that I WOULDN'T take the test, it's just that I'd be pretty upset if someone I'd hypothetically been with a long time and put my own trust into didn't feel the same about me, and I'd worry about the stability of a relationship that lacked trust.

While I agree that the mother has full responsibility for something like this, I have to disagree that a kid being put in the middle and potentially losing his father is not the biggest victim. Do you know how hurtful it would be for a kid to have their father all of a sudden stop loving them and wanting anything to do with them over something the kid has no control over? That would be absolutely heartbreaking. I don't believe in entrapment at all and find it vile, but I think that, putting myself in the child's shoes, it would be devastating if blood relation I had no control over was what caused my father to quit loving me, not consider me family, and consider me a monument of betrayal. Perhaps it's easy to feel different about a hypothetical situation, but I just don't see how someone could flip a switch like that for a kid they were supposed to love unconditionally. I agree the mother should be held fully responsible, but the kid should not be used to get back at the mother. TBH, I think people who use their kids to get back at each other are extremely selfish and should've never had the kids in the first place, as they're unable to put their love for their kids before their hatred for each other. While yes, there are often problems that one person or the other have every right to be horribly upset about, when you bring a kid into the world, you have to put their wellbeing first and it's no longer just about you two.

I guess if a paternity test would prevent a situation like that, it would be better than not taking one and having this be the outcome.

I had thought already that men should be able to ask their partner for a paternity test (I'm the OP), but now after hearing your opinions I have to say I believe it very strongly now.

Yeah, I think I have to agree with that. While I do think the man should still continue to raise the child for the child's sake, he shouldn't be expected to. It's not his fault what happened, he's the victim, he shouldn't be punished for it. If he does decide to continue to raise the child, then he should be viewed as extremely noble, instead of just doing what's expected of him. But no one should judge him if he decides not to continue raising the child, that's victim blaming, it takes the blame away from the deceiving mother and puts it on an innocent man. Yes it is horrible that the child will suffer because of the man's decision to leave, but that's his right, he shouldn't be blamed for that. The blame for the child's suffering rightfully be put entirely on the mother instead, she's the one who caused it.

Arguing against this, with the reasons that the man wouldn't stop loving the child just because he found out that it's not his biological child, or that he should stay for the child's sake, is what causes women to justify doing this in the first place. They'd reason to themselves that by the time their partner found out (if they ever find out), they'd love the child as their own anyway. But this is just a form of emotional fraud, deceiving their partners into investing years of love into something that they otherwise wouldn't have if they'd have known the truth, so that by the time they find out, it's too late. They can't just take back that love. And then they'll use the child to emotionally blackmail the man into continuing being conned out of such a huge portion of his life.

Honestly a paternity test should be standard at every birth

Actually terrible idea don't do the test yourself there's fake paternity tests out there that will give you whatever results you ask for. And if he knows about those companies that'll only make matters worse

Yeah I do wonder if the reverse was true and suddenly men were the ones to get pregnant rather than women, whether society would find it acceptable for women to ask their boyfriends/husbands for a maternity test. I'm not saying it definitely would, but I think it could become viewed as acceptable for women to do that, because I think society still has the sexist view that it's always the men who are the untrustworthy cheating pigs, and women are always the poor tender victims. I'm not trying to insinuate that it's the other way around, and that women are the cheaters, just that it's far more equal than how society views it.

I had thought of that as well for the woman to be the one to propose the idea. It's the same thing with making a major business deal with a family member. Yeah you trust that they're not going to scam you, but you'd still expect them to sign a legal contract to gurantee it. They shouldn't take any offence to that. In fact, it'd be polite for them to be the ones to propose the idea, just to save you the awkwardness of asking. So it would be cool if it became more common for women to propose the idea of a paternity test with their partner. It'd be great then if it became so widespread that it became the normal thing for couples to do, since there wouldn't be any awkwardness about it then, it'd just be standard procedure. Plus then it would make it impossible for this ever to happen again in society, if a woman ever denied a paternity test, then the only likely reason would be because the baby might not be her partner's.

A"moment" of hurt feelings is where you are wrong. Most women would probably still be hurt years later.

My intent isn't to gaslight anyone. I completely understand that trust isn't always 100% accurate. However, there are a lot of issues in a relationship that come with a lack of trust and cause it to fail, which is where my concerns would lie. It wouldn't be that I would have anything to hide or try to "trap" anyone into anything (in fact, I'm as against that as anyone else). It would just be a sign to me that the relationship needs serious work (and I'm not pointing blame at anyone, just the fact that the foundation needs to be strengthened). If the paternity test would help in that regard, I'd take it, but it would just be disappointing that I'd have to prove my innocence if I had done nothing questionable in the first place.

I've been in a relationship in which my ex was constantly suspecting/accusing me of cheating with no basis to go off of, and that relationship was miserable. I suppose if a paternity test is the only thing the guy asked for that would be different, and maybe I just have a bad taste in my mouth from my experience, and wouldn't want to bring a baby into a relationship that seemed to lack trust. I hope you understand where I am coming from and that it is not to vilify or gaslight anyone, just another perspective.

You do have a valid point, but trust is also the foundation of a relationship. Without it, it's doomed to fail. It's not that I don't have empathy, because I do. I would just think if one or both partners had trust issues like that, bringing a baby into the picture would be a disastrous idea, and the kid would likely pay the price either way.

Though I agree it would be devastating for that to happen to a man and I'm in no way trying to minimize it, I would really hope that for the child's sake, he wouldn't feel as if that child was "a lie", "not real family", or "not his own true child". Blood isn't everything, and I would really hope that if I was the child in such a situation, that blood relation wouldn't be the only thing holding my "family" together. I completely understand that it would be extremely painful, but how could someone just lose their feelings of love for a child they raised for years?

I wouldn't fault someone for wanting a paternity test, but I just answered the OP's question in what I would think if I was hypothetically the woman in question, which will likely never happen anyway since I don't plan to be in another relationship, much less have children.

Men should never get a paternity test. Turst women folks, and if you end up raising someone elses child then it will be a wonderful experience and you will get a wonderful woman anyway.

A friend of mine was excited about the birth of his child and then the child came out black. Poor bastard had a rough year all around. I think he's still with the girl too.