Would anyone care to critique my poem?

It was a dark non-rainy night
When Fred said hoi, hoi, hoi
Jane was a girl
But Fred was a boy, boy, boy

They had a dog
But they kept it chained up too long
And it went vicious
And somewhat malicious

Its food was delicious
Its name was Grishus
And it had big paws
That were atrocious

Well, one day it was looking at its food
When up from the ground
Came a bubbling crude
Black gold, Texas tea

Could I get this published?

Yes 23
No 64
Help us keep this site organized and clean. Thanks!
[ Report Post ]
Comments ( 32 )
  • misca

    I really liked the last part: "Could I get this published?"

    Comment Hidden ( show )
      -
    • flutterhigh

      Yeah, that part really spoke to me.

      Comment Hidden ( show )
        -
      • Aless

        lmao

        Comment Hidden ( show )
      • Mr. Sillypants! That wasn't part of the poem. Sometimes when a poem ends, some other words come, and them words are not in the poem. These were some words and not in a poem. You can always tell when a poem ends because the rhyming goes away.

        Comment Hidden ( show )
          -
        • BrendioEEE

          fail

          Comment Hidden ( show )
  • grishus soon got off the chain, to fred and jane it ran to maim grrrrrrrrrrr

    Comment Hidden ( show )
  • Dad

    The rhyming is all out of place.
    The words like boy boy boy, and 'non-rainy night' and that name Grishus just so it rhymes with delicious?

    I mean I could go on and on. This poem is pathetic!
    Note if you are 10, then its one of the best poems ever.

    Comment Hidden ( show )
      -
    • Aless

      i dont think all poetry must have a rythm to it
      its an art
      so make it your own
      atleast thats my opinion
      but make it good..lol
      -Aless

      Comment Hidden ( show )
        -
      • Dad

        Agreed, that's why I replied again over an hour ago. Its just above your post ;)

        Comment Hidden ( show )
          -
        • Aless

          lol i guess i was blinded to that post lol :)

          Comment Hidden ( show )
    • I was too tired for iambic pentameter. Grishus escaped and I chased that mutt all over town. And then I didn't get a good night's sleep because of the oil company trying to build a damn well in my back garden.

      I'll try again when suitably rested. :/

      Comment Hidden ( show )
        -
      • Dad

        I suggest less emphasis on rhyming. Actually don't even rhyme at all if possible.

        Comment Hidden ( show )
  • anti-hero

    I am pretty sure the beverly hillbillies will sue you.

    Comment Hidden ( show )
  • Anime7

    Honestly, I didn't really find anything spectacular about this piece. That being said, I don't think that my opinion should impede your attempt to get this published.

    Also, where do you get poems published?

    Comment Hidden ( show )
      -
    • Avant-Garde

      There are writer's conventions and poetry festivals, so I'm sure the OP could meet up with a agent or a potential publisher. If not, then he could try to license it and share them on the internet.

      Comment Hidden ( show )
        -
      • Anime7

        That's pretty cool. I've never heard of those festivals before but it sounds pretty interesting.

        Comment Hidden ( show )
  • coolio75650932

    gift wrap that poem and give it to a child for christmas

    HERES MY POEM

    i was once a city boy
    hard at work but then i saw it
    it was horrible
    it was ugly
    it was...a noob

    can i get this published?

    happy 4th of july

    Comment Hidden ( show )
  • Shnaz

    Awful.

    Comment Hidden ( show )
  • josey9898

    Um yeah.... That didn't make any sense to me LOL

    Comment Hidden ( show )
  • FreDraken

    This is funny and clever stuff.... for a not-too-bright fifth grader.

    Comment Hidden ( show )
      -
    • I'm in the first grade!

      Comment Hidden ( show )
  • Avant-Garde

    Get Poetry for Dummies. It tells you everything you'll need to know.

    Comment Hidden ( show )
  • GuessWho

    NO!

    I have no clue how this even made it through moderation.

    Comment Hidden ( show )
      -
    • Perhaps the moderators thought I was six years old and took pity. :)

      Comment Hidden ( show )
  • Aless

    ok im not sure if this is a joke or not but ima be BRUTALLY HONEST and im going to say that this poem sounds like a 7-10 year old wrote it and if you wish to get something like this published be more creative and play with the human emotions :)

    Comment Hidden ( show )
  • Who_Fan4Life

    Sounds like someone is ripping off the Beverly Hillbillies (see last two lines).

    Comment Hidden ( show )
      -
    • Oh God, not this again. I've already had to change the last stanza once. It was:

      You'll have a yabba dabba doo time.
      A dabba doo time.
      You'll have a gay old time.

      Gay rights groups protested about that one. What am I doing wrong now? :(

      Comment Hidden ( show )
        -
      • Captain_Kegstand

        HaHa nice!

        Comment Hidden ( show )
  • NotFloydzie

    Let me read another one. I want to read another one.

    Comment Hidden ( show )
      -
    • Fred in his house
      Quiet as a mouse
      Then the fire alarm went
      And he ran out the door

      Fred in the garden
      Giving his cat a pardon
      For some murder it had
      Committed back in '63

      The killing of Jack Ruby
      Solved by old Scooby
      Where are you?
      We got some work to do now.
      Scooby dooby doo
      Where are you?
      We need some help from you now.

      Comment Hidden ( show )
        -
      • josey9898

        That was pretty good atleast better then that fourth grader

        Comment Hidden ( show )
          -
        • Thanks for that. I live for your validation.

          Comment Hidden ( show )