Your thoughts please

32 Comments

So, I am married and have a child. My husband and I want to have other kids later. The whole pregnancy and delivery was a good experience and I delivered naturally without epidural. Yes, it hurts. For some months now, I am thinking of adoption for the second kid. I can have the child the traditional way but I want to get at least a child out of this shelter house where they do not receive much affection. And I really believe that being a parent is a process and not just giving birth.

I have recently talked about it to my husband and asked for this thoughts and he just replied that he had never thought about it and he wore his poker face. So, I really cannot guess if he's against or neutral. I have told him that he can think about it and we'll talk about it later.

So my questions are:

What do you think about me wanting to adopt?
How can I persuade my husband about adoption?
Am I crazy for proposing this?

Or any other thoughts.

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Comments ( 32 )

paramore93

5 years ago | pl

I think it's an admirable thing to do. Though if your husband doesn't like the idea you can't persuade him. Hypothetically if you went ahead and adopted when he wasn't 100%, he could end up with a little resentment in the back of his mind and never love the kid as much as your first born. It's something you both have to really want.
Time for a serious conversation.

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- LornaMae
  
  5 years ago
  
  I also think it's admirable and I think it's something all natural-born mothers should do. OP, I think your husband just needs his time to process that. As you said, you've already thought about it long and hard and had enough time to set your heart on it. Now he might need his. From the way you say it you sound like a responsible adult who is aware of her good mothering qualities. I completely support the idea of adoption and I think it's a beautiful thing.
  
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  - paramore93
    
    5 years ago
    
    What LornaMae said ^^ I have a lot of respect for people who want to adopt. It's totally understandable why people don't want to though.
    
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  - Anonymous Post Author
    
    5 years ago
    
    Yes,I will give him time to think.
    Thanks you for your kindness.
    
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    - LornaMae
      
      5 years ago
      
      Oh, no need to thank me for that. I really do believe in your own kindness and ability to love your kids. You're one of the few users here who has a motherly instinct and hopefully your husband will be on board in a while. I figure it will be extremely gratifying for you and from the type of relationship you seem to have with him and your child it should be for them as well. There's no such thing as TOO MUCH love, if you've got it, by all means, do share it!! :)
      
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- Ellenna
  
  5 years ago
  
  I wouldn't have thought there was any possibly of a child being adopted out unless both prospective parents were in favour of it. OP will need to wait and see how her husband feels about the idea and if he's against it, it's a no go
  
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  - Anonymous Post Author
    
    5 years ago
    
    We're married so I need his consent indeed. Yes, I have to wait. It is not something that we would go into right after (if) he says yes. We'll have to wait a couple of years until I've cleared some depts and our finances are good.
    
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Tato

5 years ago

I think it's great. However, as opposed to a child you raised from infancy, an adopted child may come with a baggage, so make sure you're capable of dealing with it. Getting rejected again is the last think a child like that needs.

About your husband, no idea. Maybe his poker face is a sign he might be considering this. Only he knows. And I don't think you can persuade someone into adopting. It needs to come from within. Idk, maybe I'm wrong.

If you do end up doing this, please, please, be careful and thoughtful.

P.S, that's not crazy. GL.

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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  5 years ago
  
  Maybe persuade was wrongly use here. When I talked to him I told him my definition of being a parent. What I wanted to ask is what other valid arguments are there for adoption.
  
  It's not something that I have thought overnight but I've been thinking about it for several months now. And now that I've talked about it I want to be ready to answer all questions about this decision so as not to appear as if it was just some crazy ideas I've got on the spur of the moment.
  
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  - Tato
    
    5 years ago
    
    I see. Makes sense to want to check yourself. I thought about adopting before, but I don't think I'm ready yet.
    
    I don't know how long you've been a mother, but if you feel like it's something you really want, try and give it some time. Since it's a serious process, check and see if you'd still feel like that after a few more months or even a year. Just to be sure. In the meantime, keep researching like you've mentioned and bring that idea up with your husband again.
    
    I've read your reasoning for adoption on the other comments, and it seems valid to me. I don't have anymore input on this subject as I'm quite sure you delved deep enough to understand what it means to adopt a child. Still, I'd like you to keep learning about it.
    
    Whatever it is you decide, I hope it'll be the right thing. GL.
    
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  - Boojum
    
    5 years ago
    
    If it's something you've been thinking about for months, why are you here, of all places, looking for arguments in favour of adoption?
    
    I'm sure there are many websites devoted to the topic, where you can learn about all aspects of the issue, including the experiences of adoptive parents and adopted children. If you were really serious about this, you'd already know the good points and bad.
    
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    - Anonymous Post Author
      
      5 years ago
      
      I've read many websites but here I can tell my personal story and get responses about my own experience. I don't think that posting here means that I have not made other researches.
      
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BlindSpot

5 years ago

Give your husband time to make up his own opinion about the issue. I don't think it would be wise to adopt only for him to reject the child. I love your spirit. If we all adopted one kid, wouldn't there be no more orphans in the world? It will be difficult, but you can always go for family counselling sessions to ensure everyones on the same page.

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RoseIsabella

5 years ago

I'm not going to help anyone "persuade" anyone on anything. If he's not into it don't push him.

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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  5 years ago
  
  You may not like the word but it's exactly what we try to do every day. Trying to convince other people. Even if you don't realise it you too do it by sharing/asserting your opinions on this site, giving advices.
  
  Just scroll through your past comments and reread them all.
  
  Thanks for your input.
  
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Columbusbiguy

5 years ago

I think i want a beer right now.

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A-sharp

5 years ago

Jane fonda was adopted. most of us know henry fonda. No, you're not crazy mama. I see nothing wrong with that. … it's up to you both.

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Hornyandhung47

5 years ago

Adoption is very good. I was adopted,and shown love. I don't know why your husband isn't showing you support in this. All kids need somebody to love them,so I say keep talking to him,then when you can do it,go for it

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Ummitsstillme

5 years ago

Way to personal of a thing to ask strangers about. It is 100% up to you and your husband to decide. Neither is wrong.

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SwickDinging

5 years ago

You sound like you're pretty set on the idea and our opinion of it is irrelevant - sounds like you've thought it through so if you want to do it then go for it.

The only issue here would be your husband. Obviously he needs to be 100% on board. I don't think trying to "persuade" him is a good idea, or even possible. Just let him think about it and then have another talk. Talk as much as you need to. If you push him into it you will regret it, he needs to be as invested as you are or it will do more harm than good.

Good luck!

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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  5 years ago
  
  You are right. Thank you
  
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Lestat565

5 years ago

Adoption is good. It can be harder to raise a adopted child but it’s still worth doing

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Boojum

5 years ago

Adoption isn't something I've ever thought about deeply, but your post makes it sound like the main appeal for you is "saving" a child.

Some might call that altruistic and noble, but I have to wonder if the adopted kid would constantly pick up subtle messages from you that he or she should be eternally grateful to you.

Like I've said, it's not something I've really investigated, but my impression is that there aren't many adorable, perfect newborns available for adoption, and most kids who are available are in the system because of serious issues in their birth families. These kids come with baggage, and sometimes they can be a huge challenge. If you already have a child of your own, it would be perfectly natural for them to feel that they were second-best and not quite a full member of the family.

It seems to me that if you have to do a sales-job on your husband to get him to agree to adoption, that's a very good reason not to do it. You've put the idea out there. If he comes back to you after a while and says he wants to talk about it, then you can discuss the pros and cons and his feelings on the issue. If he never raises the possibility again, that suggests he's not interested.

I can imagine a worst-case scenario where a kid comes into a family where the adoptive mother has a saviour-complex and is constantly giving the child messages that he or she owes her, while the kid is getting messages all the time from the adoptive father that he doesn't really want them there, and is only tolerating them because it was something his wife wanted.

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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  5 years ago
  
  My husband has not responded yet. He just replied that he had never thought about it.
  
  I understand your fears. Now that you've mentionned it I can work on that and will have to try not to be that kind of person to a child or even sound like that kind of person. I do not think of it as a noble act, I'm not a perfect person and I can be quite mean sometimes but I tend to get on well with babies and kids. I'm not saying that I'm a perfect mother but children usually have much fun when I'm around ( most of the time). With adults it is more complicated.
  
  I know they come with bagage. I've worked in a school for some times and I have met such children. To be honest I don't know if I am ready or realistic about what it involves. But motherhood is learning, constantly learning. And this I am ready to do. Mistakes will surely happen, I know. Will I be able to handle everything? I dont know.
  
  But if I want to adopt it's firstly because I want another child. Not because I feel like I need to save a child.
  
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  - Boojum
    
    5 years ago
    
    Have you looked into fostering?
    
    Don't know where you live, but in the UK there's a shortage of parents willing to look after kids short-term. My understanding that sometimes fostered kids are adopted if they can't move back to their birth family and the child and the foster-family mesh well.
    
    You can't just roll up to social services and ask for a kid to look after. There are in-depth background checks, and I believe some training sessions are required. If you were to prove that you are a good foster-carer, that would probably increase your chances of being approved for adoption.
    
    If you want another child to care for and you want to make a kid's life a little brighter, maybe it's something to investigate.
    
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    - Anonymous Post Author
      
      5 years ago
      
      Where I live it's different and the adoption process is a little easier than in Europe and UK. I've already checked the procedures and though they are quite bulky it does not seem like it would be hard. And yes, here I can literally just 'roll up to social services...'. Yes, there would be some checking but just the police records and finance.
      
      And no, fostering is not possible here. The children are placed in a shelter run by nuns.
      
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JustinAnderson

5 years ago

I am curious , You are healthy and fine so why you wanna adopt a child ?
Are you afraid of that labor & pain ?
And
You already have one child born from your womb , now second child from another mom... will you be able to give them mothers LOVE equally ? Or you will prefer your own child first ?
If you wanted to adopt , then you should not have given birth to child . You should have adopted the first one too :)

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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  5 years ago
  
  I want to adopt because there are children who don't have parents to look after them here and I think I can be a good mother (or at least try to be) for a child and I want to have another child. Will I be able to love them equally? I intend to love both equally.
  
  No, I've not afraid of labour like I've already mentionned in the post.
  
  I don't understand why you say that I should not have given birth.
  
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  - JustinAnderson
    
    5 years ago
    
    There are billions of homeless babies . You cant adopt all of them ...
    
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    - Vvaas
      
      5 years ago
      
      She never said she wanted to adopt every homeless child lol. Adopting one or more is enough and will mean the world to that child who would finally have a place to call home with a family
      
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      - JustinAnderson
        
        5 years ago
        
        Make this understand to her Husband 😂
        
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        Vvaas
        
        5 years ago
        
        that's up to her
        
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Your thoughts please